The Mighty Martindills

17 Weeks

2011-09-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear bloggie friends!

I don't know where the time goes. It's been so long since I posted. All is well with us. I am 17 weeks along and starting to feel normal again. The morning sickness has finally subsided (I think.) I still get ill if I eat too much, and there are times when I get sick at my stomach for no reason at all. But, it's so nice to not be sick day in and out.

So far, I'm pleased with both of my doctors. I'm seeing both of them every four weeks. Both are concerned with my blood pressure, so I'm taking my BP meds twice a day now instead of only once. My 17 week appointment was this past Thursday, and my BP was perfect. Hopefully, it will stay that way! Because our little one's legs were bent upward and its feet were crossed, we still don't know if our baby is a boy or girl. Bummer. But, what a sweet face we saw.

We ordered our baby furniture a couple of weeks ago from B.abies R Us. Surprisingly, I chose the set quickly! It's in, so we'll be going to pick it up next weekend. I plan to post pictures soon!

No weird cravings. No appetite at all really. And when I eat, I can't eat much. I am enjoying real Coca-Cola (and I'm trying to limit myself to only one per day) and salty things, especially chips. My gag reflex is on at all times, especially when I cough, sneeze, take my inhaler, or brush my teeth. Garlic smells are unpleasant, and the smell of the Cascade dishwasher soap I use is revolting. It doesn't even smell like soap anymore! That isn't so bad....just means K has to be in charge of the dishes. I've noticed acid reflux is worse if I let myself go too long without eating, so I try to eat small meals.

This pregnancy is going by so fast. I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

Water is the answer!

2011-08-05T15:36:00.001-07:00

I've been getting so much advice since becoming pregnant. Some of it has been welcomed....some of it has been uninvited. I work in a large office building, and word travels fast. And, I am one of about ten women there who is expecting a little one. I find it amazing at what some people say! And with each comment and with each day of hormonal surging, I'm finding it difficult to control my response. I've also noticed how women's eyes automatically travel to my mid-section now.

If you are experiencing nausea, I may have the cure that will work for you. Here is a brief list of suggestions I've been given.

Crackers

Sprite

Sierra Mist

Peppermint

Ginger Candy

some kind of lollipop

lemon drops

Jolly Ranchers

Cheerios

Ginger Ale

Fruit Loops

Top FOUR Comments I'm not quite sure how to respond to:

"Are you excited?!?" (((Excited, yes! But, I'm also nervous and scared and anxious. And nauseated. Maybe one day soon, "excited" will be the very first emotion that comes to mind when it comes to my pregnancy. I will be VERY EXCITED when my baby arrives safe and sound.)))

"Glad it's you and not me!" ((( this coming from someone who has no idea who she is talking to and apparently hasn't used her nosey-ness enough to find out from someone else that I actually went through IVF and got pregnant ON PURPOSE. I thought about sharing, but she was too busy talking about how her three year old poops in her pants while watching TV instead of leaving the room and going to the potty. Sorry, no pity here. And no, unlike you who can't wait to be rid of your daughter for a weekend, it will be a long time before I'm ready for some "me time." I've had enough "me time" for awhile. Thanks.)))

"There is SOMETHING in the water!" ((( seriously??? I wish I would've known! Maybe that was my problem all along.....maybe I wasn't drinking enough of the stuff. )))

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST....

"You just wait." (((Hmmmm....OK. I'm used to waiting. And how about YOU WAIT....while I punch you in the......never mind.)))

9 Weeks

2011-07-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

We had a checkup Thursday, and I was exactly 9 weeks. We were able to get some great pictures of our sweet little fortune cookie!

We found out that because I am 35, I'll be followed by a high risk doctor in addition to my regular OB-GYN.

Heartbeat: 177

Measuring 9 weeks, 1 day

How am I feeling: Tired! I give out easily, and my house shows it. Yesterday afternoon marked my second terrible headache since becoming pregnant. These headaches wipe me out, and there is no relief from them except sleeping it off. The acid-reflux comes and goes. Nausea presents itself daily, but I think it might be tapering off. I want to be hungry!!!

Food cravings/aversions: Really loving Cherry Lime Icees and baked potatoes. When it comes to most food, in general, nothing sounds good. I have to make myself eat.

Sleep: I'm sleeping well! And alot!

Weight gain: None yet! But my waistline tells a different story. I've welcomed maternity pants into my world, and I love wearing them to work since I have to sit most of the day.

Eww! Blehhk! I don't feel so good....

2011-07-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Happy weekend!

Last week was a super week. We made our last long trek to Dallas to SIRM. We graduated! Dr. S. was as excited as we were. He gave us a letter and a copy of our chart for us to give my OB-GYN. I've decided to stick with Dr. R in Shreveport as my OB-GYN. I really like her! She is just so caring, and I trust her. Even though I have my doubts about having an OB-GYN that is two hours away when it comes to delivering, I'm sure we can make it work.

Nausea has reared its ugly head in my world this week! The first few mornings, it came on just as I first got up in the mornings. By the time I was driving to work, the nausea had turned to hunger. Yesterday was different. The nausea stayed and stayed and stayed. All day. There were moments during the day I was nauseated AND hungry! How that happens, I don't know. I ate small meals throughout the day, and it seemed once I would eat, I'd feel alittle better. Today, I haven't been nauseated at all. The acid reflux isn't nearly as bad as it has been. I get tired and winded easily, so I take lots of breaks and alot of naps. I want to start walking, but it's so hot outside! I really need to get some exercise.

All of my pants are tight, but I know it's too early to start wearing maternity pants. I've got a few things picked out online, but I haven't ordered yet. I'm having a hard time finding cute maternity things.

6 Weeks!

2011-07-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hello friends!

Thursday was a big day for me! Not only was it my six week mark, but I had my first ultrasound. We were able to see our precious little jelly bean! One perfect baby! We were even able to hear the heartbeat. Mom and K were both there, and we shed lots of happy tears. I couldn't take my eyes off of the ultrasound screen. It was by far the best day of my life, and I am so grateful to the Lord for bringing me here. I never thought this would happen to me, and I'm doing my best to savor each and every moment. It's hard sometimes, and fear so easily slips in. I know that our struggle has tainted me to a point. That fact makes me angry. I know the next coming months that are normally joyous and exciting for most pregnant women will be largely consumed with fret and worry for me. I'm being pro-active against this fret and worry though, and I'm determined to not allow it to take over and rob me. As an act of faith, I made my pregnancy public on Facebook this week. It was a blessing to have so many encouraging comments! Just knowing that we've had so many people praying for us and this miracle makes my heart full.

This week will be another milestone week. We're going to Dallas this Wednesday for our second ultrasound to make sure our sweet jelly bean is growing, growing, growing! I can't wait to hear that heartbeat again. And it will be nice to see everyone at the clinic. I miss them!

The Ride is Slowing Down...and I'm Jumping Off!

2011-06-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

Beta #1: 61

Beta #2: 292

Positive.

Could it be my time to get off of this horrible ride ?

This ride made me a stronger woman. I'll never stop praying for something that I think about every single day. When there is something I want, I will never stop fighting for it....no matter how hopeless it may seem.

Five Days After

2011-06-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today makes the fifth day since transfer. I'm feeling great! I'm staying positive and optimistic this time. I'm not feeling different really. I am having some twinges, tugs, and fullness here and there. It's hard not to be overly sensitive about every little feeling!

Immediately after Dr. S. transferred our two embryos, I felt some mild crampy twinges. They continued through the rest of Tuesday night and Wednesday off and on. Then, the tugs started. Hopefully, it was the embryos snuggling in!!! Oh, I hope so. The crampy twinges are still happening. I felt bloated most of yesterday, then last night, the heaviness/fullness/pressure started in my lower pelvis. That heaviness continued all night and has continued all day today. And I love it.

I almost took a home pregnancy test this morning because I thought it would be so amazing to give a positive test to K for Fathers Day. But, I talked myself out of it. I think it's way too early anyway, and a negative outcome would be discouraging to me at this point, even though I'm ready for whatever comes my way on Friday. K keeps asking me "how his little babies are doing," and today, Mom washed every bit of my dirty laundry! What a treat!!! Our washer went out a week today, so needless to say, I had a BIG PILE. She is the laundry queen! My new washer/dryer set will be here Friday afternoon. J is excited too and is looking forward to the big test on Friday.

This is going to be a long week.

Things People Say

2011-06-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

I consider myself pretty tough. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, especially when it comes to comments about being pregnant, getting pregnant, infertility, etc. I don't know if these injections are interferring with my tolerance level or what, which is one reason I've been more private this time with our treatment. I believe whole-heartedly that people mean well the majority of the time. And also, there is a big part of me that wants to be transparent about everything and share my joy with others. However, there is also a place in my spirit, especially lately, that has just had enough of people's opinions and useless lines regarding pregnancy.

Today, I was having a conversation with a friend about our upcoming transfer. It just so happens this friend and her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. How lovely! Do people really do that? PLAN when to have sex so they will conceive? What's that like? I don't think my husband and I even relate sex and having a baby anymore. Have sex to have a baby? Who does that?

Anyway, the subject of the hot summer came up, and she made the statement that if it didn't happen immediately in July or August, they would just have to stop trying until her pregnancy wouldn't fall within the hottest summer months. How convenient. No worries about aging eggs or worrying about using all of your vacation time or making up work hours or the busy times of the month because there will be countless trips out of town for blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. They will just stop trying until it's more convenient. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting there with my throbbing and knotted Progesterone hip saying "well, I just pray it all works out exactly the way you want it....and I pray you never have to go thru HELL and back to get pregnant because this is no cake walk, especially these shots."

Then she said THIS.

"Well, you have to go through a certain amount of that when you actually have the baby anyway, ya know? Those epiderals are no fun."

What could I even say to that? Seriously?!

Transfer scheduled

2011-06-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

We are looking forward to our transfer! It will be Tuesday @ 1:30.

Tuesday's appointment went great. My lining was at a 13, which is excellent, and my E2 level was at 720. Dr S. was happy with those numbers.

I also got to meet up with one of my sweet bloggie friends, Deni from Foxy Troxies. We had the best time talking about IVF, our fur babies, and little Miss Cala Faye, who I can't wait to meet. Deni is a ray of sunshine, and I feel like we've been friends forever. Meeting her was the highlight of my day.

We'll be staying in Dallas after the transfer so I can relax and let those two little embies snuggle in!

I can't wait to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.)

Right now, I'm taking 100 mls of Progesterone every night, a steroid pill in the morning, an antibiotic morning and night, and a prenatal vitamin.

And just as a random thought, if I hear one more pregnant person on my Facebook complain about the heat, I might just smack them with a sandwich....after I invite them over to share in the luxury of a Progesterone shot in the rear.

Over and out!

What's New With Us

2011-05-29T23:20:00.001-07:00

Hi bloggie friends!

It's hard to believe summer 2011 is here already! The south Arkansas heat is here, and I'm already extra thankful for my air conditioning!

J is so glad to be finished with 8th grade, and he isn't hesitating rubbing in the fact that he doesn't have to get up early for three months. He's had a good first year at his new school, and we're happy. It's so hard to believe the sweet, short 8-year old I met almost six years ago now is as tall as his Dad. Freshman year and driver's permit are just around the corner.

K started online classes last month. He's pursuing a bachelor's degree in Electronic Engineering Technology. The entire program is online. So far, he loves it. I admire him for his dedication, as I'm not sure I could focus. But, he's doing great and has all A's. Smarty pants. In addition to his new college endeavor, he's still working long, odd hours at work. I miss him.

We are in the process of trying IVF again with our Dallas clinic. I'm on my third week of Lupron injections, which are giving me headaches daily that hurt just enough to be annoying. There is a story behind our cycle this time....a very special one. We were donated seven frozen embryos by an anonymous couple at our clinic. Our embryo transfer will be June 13 - 16. This is a true miracle for us. Because of my poor egg quality issue, our chance of success using my eggs not good. Neither of our insurances touched egg donor, which is the plan our RE suggested. I began looking into embryo donation (and even posted a blog post about it,) and K and I just felt like this could be exactly for us. We had no idea how to go about finding embryos, whether to go through an agency, or what; so on a whim, I decided to talk to my RE. To make a long story short, ,my RE's office called with the news about finding us a donor only three days after we inquired. The news came along at the perfect time, and we both knew God was leading us to do this. We thank God for this amazing opportunity! We are so excited!

Our house is finally finished!!! I plan on posting pictures soon! It's been nice to clear out construction clutter and wipe sheet rock dust off of furniture for the LAST TIME. Today, I cleaned out the room that will be our baby's room.

An Absentee Blogger!

2011-04-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends!

Just wanted to check in and say "I'm here!" We're staying so busy these days, and I'm guilty of being a terrible blogger. I have been reading blogs and commenting when time allows me. I've even picked up a few more favorites, and I've added some of those links to my home page.

I've actually started a new blog, and I'm going to share it soon, but not just yet. We have something very exciting going on, and I'm so eager to share. I will be sharing soon, so stay tuned!

Loves to all.

Embryo Donation

2011-01-22T12:45:00.001-08:00

Hello blog pals! It's hard to believe we are well into January and the new year. As always, we're busy. I went to the doctor last week thinking my blood pressure was high. I started having a dull tightness in my chest last weekend that totally zapped my energy. It comes and goes. Having been on blood pressure medication for about three years now, that tightness is usually a sign my blood pressure is high. After my doctor's appointment and a thorough workover by the doctor, he's sending me to a cardiologist for a stress test. My appointment is Monday at 9:15. I'm sure it's only stress, and the doctor agrees. He feels it will go away on its own, and he prescribed me a week of breakfast in bed. (ha.) He also sent me for additional bloodwork and wants to see me again in two weeks.

Our house is coming along nicely. We are officially back in our bedroom! It's beautiful really...but I'm not finished decorating in there yet, so I'm not QUITE ready to post pictures yet. But, I'm extremely happy with the way it has turned out. The dining room (hopefully baby's room one day) is in progress now. We bumped our IVF up to May. I'm still trying to get excited about it. I hear so many wonderful adoption stories, and it makes me wonder if we're just wasting our time trying IVF again. There is a part of me that wants to let go of the idea that IVF could actually work for us. But there is another part of me that knows all it takes is one good egg, our insurance covers it, so why not try.

I'm still reading up on embryo donation and found a neat website called Miracles in Waiting. They sell ads to embryo recipient hopefuls for couples with extra embryos to see. They basically cut out the adoption process and fees all together, leaving the two couples to make their own arrangements and agreement. I e-mailed the site administrator to see if I would get an actual response from someone and immediately received a response from her with a link showing some of their latest profiles. Much of their site is for "members only," so I haven't been able to tell much about the content. I've also talked to my RE about my clinic's policy on accepting embryos from another clinic. He said as long as the donor couple has undergone the same round of testing for infectious diseases that my clinic requires, they would have no problem at all accepting the embryos for my transfer. If I could just find a couple looking to donate!!! Right now, that's where I'm at. My clinic says they rarely have couples wanting to donate their extra embryos, but that they have a waiting list for couples like us. But, that's as far as I ever get. It's so hard to believe that there aren't couples out there paying astronomical storage fees for their extra embryos to remain frozen in time that don't desire to help out another couple who are going through the same grieving process as they once went through, as well as giving their sweet embies they worked so hard for to have a chance at life.

In closing this post, I want to share a sentence from a paper on Respect that J wrote last week in his English class. His teacher was thoughtful enough to e-mail it to me.

"I respect my parents -- all three of them. I have really lucked out. I have the most kind and loving step-mom."

My life is so tiring sometimes, but that makes it all worth it.

New Year, New Me.

2010-12-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

As 2010 is quickly coming to an end in a couple of hours, I am snuggled up to my sweet fur babies in this big King size bed (which is, yes, still in the living room due to construction,) and I am oh, so thankful for the blessings, lessons, and changes this year has brought my way.

A Failed IVF Cycle

Yes...I'm thankful for it, even though the end result wasn't my much-desired bundle of love and joy. Going through IVF with K brought our relationship to a new place. We were scared together, excited together, tired together....and ultimately, we were sad and disappointed together. But, we were together. I found myself relying more on God than ever before. I began spending quality time reading His word, memorized some scriptures that I could utter when those helpless times came like a thief, and found myself actually enjoying and looking forward to my daily study time with Him. I drew strength and peace from Him daily. He is what got me through it.....the shots, the hormones, the ups and downs. My eyes were opened more than ever before to the fact that I, alone, have no control over my own life. It's His plan....not mine. Me being the planner and thinker that I am makes this especially hard at times, but I'm getting better at it day by day. Anyone who has gone through IVF will understand the feeling of complete helplessness. There is no such thing as controlling the outcome. Every single step of the process is excruciating to the mind , body, and spirit, and hope can sometimes seem as of it is merely hanging by a thread. My reliance on God was a necessity. I had to surrender. If there is one thing I have realized this year, it is this:

I can't....but He can.

I still have to conciously surrender at times....especially when I'm wanting to take the reins. But I'm learning.

Our home

A work in progress. But soon, and thanks be to God, I won't be able to call it a work in progress anymore. We're finishing our house. Pictures will come soon. I'm keeping up with the before and durings periodically. We are happy with our contractor, and we give thanks to God for the huge blessing of sending him our way to finish our home! Nanny and Papaw would be so very proud, I believe, of what we've managed to do here. It's been a long three years, but 2011 will be a year K and I will actually get to spend to doing the fun projects....landscaping, building a deck, yard work. We're even looking forward to raking leaves!

Our health

K's procedure in October was the end of a pretty scary ride he's been on for over 10 years. Thankfully, we have a terrific family doctor who was able to diagnose and correct the problem with a simple outpatient procedure on his esphagus. K is slowly working through his fear of choking every time he eats, but he has come so far in only a few short months.

My 13 year old, J

Yes, he's mine. I gladly claim him. This past week without him has been unbearably quiet and uneventful for both his Dad and myself, and I couldn't wait tonight to get a hug from him as soon as he stepped out of his Mother's car. I'm so glad he's home. And I'm so glad he's here now....permanently. At first I was overwhelmed with all of the changes having J here brought to my world. At times this past summer, I was a sobbing (and selfish, as I see looking back) uncontrollable basket case behind closed doors. For about a week after we found out for sure that this was all really happening, I cried practically non-stop. The thoughts of how my life would change, how life as I knew it would never be the same again, how I would be raising another woman's child....the thoughts overtook me. Would I be enough of a mother to him? Would I be happy? Would my relationship with my husband change? And the horrible thought of "I can't do this." And then the guilt of even having the thoughts. J needed us. I honestly didn't know how I was going to do it. We had all prayed for this to happen. So many people were depending on me. I couldn't see any hope. I felt at times like I had no choice....helpless and confused. I didn't want to let anyone down. That place was dark. Reluctantly and feeling as if I had no other choice, I broke down and told K I couldn't do it....that I wanted to go back to the way it was....."please, I've changed my mind.....I can't do this," I said. K was kind. He listened. He somehow understood and never once doubted me. I know now that God himself must've changed my heart. That is the only way to explain how my heart turned around. I've been on automatic....I don't even have to think about how to be a Mom to J. It just happens. And I love it. It comes so naturally. Even though he's a teenager now and the hormones are flowing like crazy, and at times K and I think aliens have taken over his brain, he is such a great person. And this year, he is the reason I can say "I am a Mom."

New friends....

I began blogging late last year, and little did I realize that I would come across two of the sweetest and kindest girls ever to walk to Earth. Andrea and Deni.....two of the strongest and faith-FULL women I know. Even though I've never met either of them in person, I know their support is there, and like me, they truly understand what that sting feels like of wanting so badly what so many other women take for granted. And thankfully, they are soon to be Mommy's...and my heart smiles each time I think of it. How blessed and loved their sweet babies will be.

And as for 2011......

We're trying IVF again. Even though we are again faced with less than mediocre odds of success, we choose to believe with faithful hearts that if the Lord wants it to work, IT WILL WORK, despite all odds. I refuse to give fear a chance here. It's easy to fall into that dreadful place when I'm faced with an "egg quantity and quality" problem that is untreatable. There is no pill, no hormone, no injections that make it better or go away completely, no medical solution. K's medical insurance is wonderful, and fortunately we have a large amount left in our lifetime maximum for about two or three more cycles of IVF. I'm not sure how many more times we are willing to put ourselves through the process, but we're going to take things one day at a time, praying the Lord will guide our steps as He sees fit. Because honestly, we don't know. We're going to step out in faith, relying solely on Him to direct our path.....open doors when they should open and close the ones that need closed. I plan on keeping the blog going, however I probably won't be as public with this IVF cycle than I was with the last. It was great knowing how many friends and family members were lifting us up in prayer and supporting our efforts, but it was also an added stress to feel as if I let everyone down in the end. Not that I had any control over the negative outcome, but just knowing there were so many others who shared in my disappointment. It was just too much. I will document every step of my journey when the time comes and share it at the appropriate times. Thankfully, we are not limited to IVF. We are also researching domestic adoption and embryo adoption, both of which we are completely open to. We're willing to go through whatever door opens to us.

It's been a good year.

Goodnight.....and welcome to my life, 2011. It's gonna be fun.

Annoying

2010-12-05T13:17:00.000-08:00

December is definitely here and in full force! I'm trying to make sense of my calendar because almost every single little block is booked with something. With all of our going and doing, it's hard to not get wrapped up in the hooplah and forget the most important reason we celebrate this month. I love December. I love everything about it.....the excitement, the chaos, the songs, the cheer, the food, the parties, the shopping, and of course, Santa.

With the second nine weeks of school rapidly coming to an end soon, we are hoping and praying for grades that won't nauseate us. We're not seeing the good grades we saw the first nine weeks of school from J. He's so easily distracted. Keeping him interested and focused is just impossible at times. Thanks to some advice from a friend and the wonderful internet, K and I decided to take J for some cognitive testing that will test for all sorts of learning weaknesses and hopefully will give us some insight on how to help J. J's forgetfulness and lack of focus makes it seem he's being lazy or doesn't really care. And at first, we weren't sure. But over time, it's become very clear to his father and I that something is wrong. We're hopeful whatever it is can be corrected easily without him having to take medication. His test is this coming Saturday at 10:00 AM. He is to arrive rested and fresh, so that's why we decided to take him on a Saturday morning. The test will take approximately two hours and test on about twenty or so different learning areas.

It is apparent after last week that J has officially got to me. He asked me earlier in the week if we could give his "girl friend" a ride to church youth group Wednesday night. I didn't have a problem with it and simply asked him to have her mother message me saying it was okay. K and I routinely check J's phone and monitor his incoming and outgoing text messages. How I wish I hadn't seen the message he sent that read "my annoying step-mom wants your mom to send a stupid message to her saying it's okay if we come pick you up! Aaaahhhhhh....that's so stupid! She's so annoying!" I was devastated. My heart was crushed. I immediately tried to shake it off. He's a teenager. So, why did it hurt so bad? The tears began to flow. There I was.....standing at the kitchen pantry frantically trying to focus on the cereal, the pasta, the rice....oh yum, how about some cocoa....anything to stop the tears. When I cry, my face and eyes get red and swollen, and there is no hiding it. K felt so sorry for me. I begged him to forget about it and move on, but he didn't. He told J we read the message and that it devastated me. It was the first time J has ever seen me cry. He apologized, of course, and admitted he was frustrated with me at the time. Of course, I forgave him. It still hurts to think about it. I guess it's never occurred to me that I could be annoying to him. And in most text messages he sends to his friends, he calls me "his mom." One of my friends made me feel better after I told her my story. She said her son's ringtone for when she calls him is a barking dog. Yikes. I guess being called annoying isn't so bad. I must be doing something right.

The Beehive

2010-11-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

I was feeling as if I was on the verge of being blue today. K is working an astronomical amount of hours lately, and J isn't here to keep me entertained with his quirky sense of humor. So, I went shopping at my favorite store, the Beehive. I racked up! I'm including a picture of my loot, which includes a fantabulous pair of boots, a monogrammed bag, a zebra print scarf/gloves set, three necklaces, a lovely turquoise and black scarf, and three pair of flip-flops. Yes, it is cold outside, but flip-flops are year-round shoes at my house. And how could I resist them at $3 each?

Distractions

2010-11-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

Hello wonderful bloggie world! TGIF!

I was planning to return to work today, but I woke up this morning with an intrusive stomach virus. At first I thought it may be the antibiotics I've been taking for the bronchitis. I realized after about four hours of misery this didn't seem to be the case. I started feeling better around noon.

K called our Dallas doctor and cancelled our phone consultation this morning. I was beyond worthless and doubt I could have carried on a conversation that would've made any sense. I will reschedule next week.

J is gone for the weekend to visit his Mom. He's had a rough week of school. His grades are not so great this nine weeks, and all three of us are concerned. His first nine weeks were textbook. A's, B's, and one C. We were overjoyed. Because of his accomplishment, we rewarded him with a cell phone. I think it's created a distraction that he's not capable of handling yet. It also doesn't help that there are moments I realize he is carrying on conversations over text with three girls at once. Definite distractions. And thank Heavens for unlimited texting. We've taken the phone away several times because of a bad grade on a test, forgetting a homework assignment, etc. But, my question is...how does taking away the distraction teach him to deal with distractions? J is easily distracted. As he told me one day in the car, he can get distracted in class by a crack in the wall. If there is a real problem causing him to become distracted so easily, we want to help him. But it's so hard to know whether or not it's a legitimate problem or just 13 year old normal. I keep waiting for my "How-To" manual to arrive in the mail. Nothing yet.

K is on nights this weekend. My dear Mom is out of town until Monday. J isn't here. And I am lonely.

A New Look

2010-11-10T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hello again, great Blog friends.....if you're still out there! Oh how I've missed you!

I've been absent for so long, so I thought it was time for a new look and a new title. I'm still adjusting to my role as the other mother. I went to sleep childless one night. I woke up and realized I have a 13 year old boy to raise. I didn't give birth to him, but I'm waking him up in the mornings, taxi-cabbing him to school, making sure he brushes his teeth, and trying to keep his belly full. How did this happen? My life has taken a complete turnaround, and it all happened so fast! The past few months haven't been easy ones. But, I am having a blast.

J is a complete reflection of his father, who lights up my life. I'm learning alot about myself. I long for J to take pride in his schoolwork. I want him to crave good grades and strive for excellence. He's just not all that into it. He could ace a science test with his eyes closed, but getting him to care anything about solving for x or learning about nouns and verbs.....forget it. His organizational skills are improving. His forgetfulness is excruciating.

Our home life is starting to feeling normal. We're all well settled into our routines. And again, K and I are asking ourselves "what next" on the baby front. We have a phone consultation with our Dallas doctor this Friday. We'll see what he has to say.

I'm recovering from a horrible case of bronchitis. I've missed two days of work because of it and seriously considering taking one more day off. Sleep is the only remedy. I've slept so much over the past couple of days, I'm having a hard time finding the cool side of the pillow.

Back to School and Reality

2010-08-15T12:52:00.001-07:00

Hello! Wow, it's been awhile! There are alot of changes going on in my world these days. My step-son, J, is now officially living with us on a full-time basis. He starts 8th grade this Thursday. He seems to be very excited. I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck. I am praying he gets off to a great start, makes some nice friends, and becomes more pro-active when it comes to his studies. The last few weeks at his old school were full of some bad choices on his part, and we are all hoping he takes advantage of this fresh start.

I didn't expect to have some of the fears and insecurities I've experienced since J came to live with us. I've been on-board with it from the very beginning because I knew when I married Keith that J was part of the package. I have to support him in this decision. I know in my heart that coming to live here is the best thing for J. But, my life is completely changing. And at first, that change unexpectantly slapped me across the face and dropped in my lap like a ton of bricks. I am slowly adjusting. No longer can I walk around in my t-shirt and panties. No longer can I decide to "skip cooking dinner" and just eat cereal. I could list out so many more "no longers." I'm trying to look at being a step-mom as a prerequisite to becoming a mother. There is a selfishness to my life that I am having to sacrifice. And it's not easy.

One of my longtime friends from school made a big pregnancy announcement a couple of weeks ago. I'm very happy for her. This will be her second child. She and her husband have waited 15 years to have a second. Unfortunately, she's been under the weather with all-day morning sickness and headaches. She's a teacher and is going back to school this week, so say a little prayer for her that she feels up to speed to handle all of her OTHER children. She was hesitant to tell me her news. She sent me the sweetest e-mail about it. That kind of concern and thoughtfulness can only come from a true friend.

I Don't Know.

2010-07-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

I sit here watching Housewives of New Jersey reruns, as the marathon continues on Bravo. I get lost in their insanity and their superficial lives. I enjoy checking out their clothes and jewelry and seeing where their "princess on a pillow" lives are taking them next. What these women find important amazes me. They seem to live in a bubble, completely shielded from what is real; real problems, real issues....real hurt.

Two of my sweet blog friends endured real and heartbreaking loss this past week. It's not fair. Being a member of this club requires strong faith and endurance. Membership also requires hope and belief that our rainbow is right beyond the next mountain.

Where is our bubble when we need one?

A Piece of Peace: My Routine Saturday Post

2010-06-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to notice a pattern here. I post only on Saturdays. Saturdays are my tiny pieces of peace in my busy weeks. I like to catch up on my favorite TV shows and favorite blogs. Laundry is not all the peaceful, but it's a necessity.

I'm sore and tired today from working at my Company's Employee Club's Ladies Shrimp Boil last night. This is my first year on the board and my first event as organizer. I now can see just how much planning and sweat goes into an Employee Club event...something you can't possibly know or understand by just being an attendee. Overall, it was fun. And the ladies seemed to have a great time eating, drinking, visiting, and playing Bunko. I thought the size of the building was going to be an issue because the response this year was overwhelming. Thankfully, the building ended up working, and we had enough room. With so many people, however, the air conditioner couldn't keep up, and the temperature was a warm 79 or 80 degrees most of the evening. There were a few complaints about the heat, but once Bunko commenced and door prizes started being handed out, no one seemed to mind. I know now what areas were successful and what areas need to be focused on more next year. It's unfortunate that some seem to not have a functioning self-edit button. While some were kind and appreciative with their comments, even staying to help clean up; some were not only unappreciative but were equally negative and rude. Being a people-pleaser makes me want to work even harder next year so that there are no rude comments and that not one person will have even one thing to complain about. But in reality, I realize that when organizing a function for 100+ people, not to mention that these 100+ people are women, having zero complaints will be almost positively impossible. I will never be able to please everyone, but this chicky will get it her best shot.

I'm about to finish up Week 2 of Nutrition Boot Camp in Cracking the Fat-Loss Code. I'm pleased with the plan so far, and I'm looking forward to Week 3. I've lost 9 pounds since starting the plan. I have noticed an increase in my energy level. And I feel really good!!! My only complaint of the plan so far is the variety. I found myself getting bored with the food choices this past week, but I think part of that is my fault. I failed to have enough food on hand, and I know I need to do some research for next week's menu items. It's all about planning ahead. Today was the first day since beginning the plan that fruit is on my menu. I enjoyed my strawberries, grapes, and cottage cheese breakfast. Today is my first Carb Up day, so Keith is taking me out to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I am looking forward to having a few chips and dip.

I had an exciting appointment this week, and I think a door may have cracked opened. I wish I could say more, but at this point, I can't! Just say a prayer for us that the door opens even wider.

Happy Saturday.

Cracking the Code

2010-06-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

I bought a book a couple of weeks ago entitled "Crack the Fat-Loss Code" by Wendi Chant, MPT, SPN, and certified personal trainer and body builder. Basically, she lays out an eight week plan designed to reprogram your body so that it learns to burn fat and keep it off. I'm someone who has gained and lost many pounds, so this book intrigued me. If I set my mind to a plan and a goal, I can normally lose. But I always reach a point where the scale stops going down. There are certain foods I'm not willing to live the rest of my life without. And if a particular program restricts such foods, I inevitably reach for them again and thus gain the weight back. It's a vicious cycle. I first heard about the "Wendi" program while attending Weight Watchers a few years ago on a weight loss message board. It is a good way to boost your weight loss when you hit a plateau.

I'm two days away from completing Cycle 1 - Carb Depleting Week. Although I wondered at times if I would be able to make it, it hasn't been unbearable. I have a massive sweet tooth, and I love breads and pasta. The first two days were the worst. I craved sweets, especially in the evening. But each day became easier. And when I stepped on the scales yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to see six pounds gone. I've noticed my energy level is higher than normal (even though I'm still in bed on Saturday morning at 10 drinking coffee and blogging.) The biggest challenge for me this week has been breakfast. I don't like eggs. I tried eating scrambled egg whites on Days One and Two, but I couldn't make myself take more than two or three bites. I stopped trying on Day Three and instead drank a Protein Shake for breakfast the rest of the week.

Monday begins Cycle 2 - Macro-Patterning, which is a 3-week cycle. During the first week, carbs are slowly re-introduced and at only certain times of the day. I'm worried. I'm a junkie when it comes to carbs and sweets. Will the moderation only lead to me wanting more and more? We shall see.

I'm posting a link to the book and a review of the plan.

www.dietsinreview.com/diets/Crack_the_Fat_Loss_Code/

2010-06-01T02:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's June! Where does the time go? Wasn't it just winter? Here we are again in the midst of another hot and humid South Arkansas summer.

Keith and I made a short trip to Dallas this weekend to do some shopping for my step-son's room. It was nice to go without an agenda of poking, nurses, exams, bloodwork, etc. looming. Just to go and enjoy was nice. The trip was a success, and we came home with alot.

My step-son just turned 13 in April and since then, he's been having some issues with school. Kids are nothing like they were when my husband and I were growing up. He's not making very wise choices right now, and we are all having trouble understanding why. He knows what is right and wrong. It looks like he may be coming to live with us. The role of step-mom is a daunting one at times. I know from growing up with a step-mother how important it is to know my place in his life. The line there is a sensitive one. Do too much, and you're invading Mom territory. Do too little, and you're uninvolved and labeled as uncaring and unwelcoming. I love J alot. While I'm excited about the thought of him living here, I'm scared. Of what, it's hard to put in to words. And too many things wrapped up all into one. Keith and I agree this change is something he desperately needs right now.

Funny how we chose his room to work on first and complete. Funny how it's almost finished....and just in time. Funny how we arrived at the decision to finish the house before trying for a baby again. Looking back over the year, it is amazing to see God's plan unfold in our lives. The Plan is always unfolding, even when we're not aware. His calendar is not aligned with mine. It makes me think... why bother to keep one?

Baby news......we've been researching all of our options, and we're excited about alot of what we've found. I've been exchanging e-mails with our fertility clinic in Dallas, and we're keeping all options open. Right now, our main focus is on our house and getting that part of our lives behind us. Oh, how trying it can be! Everyday life doesn't stop so I can go prep walls to paint. Laundry still piles up. We still have to eat. And we still want a baby.

Despite how trying a house remodel can be, I do feel like I am at a neat place right now. I'm unbelievably content. And content is nice. There is an excitement...an expectancy of some sort....like something truly unexpected and wonderful is around the corner. I've been enjoying our life together more than ever. K and I have been laughing alot, enjoying our home, and just being together. I've also made a decision to stop resenting pregnancy announcements. Somebody pops up pregnant what seems like everyday. Pregnancy is a miracle for any woman, whether or not they realize that or not. This has been a big deal for me in the past. And it has been a heavy weight to my spirit. I decided to lay that burden down.

My thoughts and prayers are with several of my dear blog friends today.....those going thru another round of IVF, those making preparations to bring their new baby home through adoption, and then those who are still waiting like me. Much love and hugs to all of you.

Motherhood and lack thereof

2010-05-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

The weekend is finally here. Mother's Day weekend. I've talked to myself alot this week, working myself up for it. Normally, I focus all of my attention and energy on making my Mom feel special. And this year is no different. We're planning an outing tomorrow, even though it may turn into only a trip to Wal-mart. Tragically, neither one of us are really in the mood for any heavy duty shopping.

I decided this afternoon after waking up from a much needed nap that this weekend was going to be a good one, no matter what! I've decided to make this an "All About Amy" weekend. Whatever I want to do, whatever I want to buy, whatever I want to eat....that's what I'm doing. So far, tonight's been fabulous. Keith is working nights this weekend. After my nap, I went to town and bought the ingredients to make fetuccini alfredo, my most favorite thing in the world. I also picked up a nice bottle of white zinfandel on the way home and three chick flicks. Molly, Maggie, and I had a lovely evening filled with pasta, wine, and Joaquin Phoenix. Who knows what all tomorrow holds, but I'll definitely post the results.

So here's to all the fine luxuries of NOT being a mother. A quiet house. Uninterrupted meals. A good night's sleep. Watching what I want to on TV. Bathroom time all to myself. I won't begin to pretend that Sunday won't sting, because it will. Badly. But when God's ready for someone to call me Mommy, it will happen. Until then, I am going to go on living my life appreciating those small luxuries some women would do anything to have.

I haven't been the best blogger these days. My mind has sort of been going in a million different directions lately. Keith has started working on our house again. For those who don't know, we remodeled my grandparent's house about three years ago. We were pressed for time and had to move in before we completely finished it. Now three years later, some areas of our house remain unfinished. We've decided to work room by room until the house is completely and officially DONE. We need that fresh start.

To all my babylost friends, I send hugs and love to you this weekend.

Amy the Hermit

2010-04-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

I avoid certain social situations like the plague. I've never been a social butterfly, but purposeful and intentional avoiding is something I do alot of lately. Baby showers are a given. I banned those from my life several years ago and can't even remember the last one I attended. This could explain why I can't remember the last baby shower I was invited to.

I was invited by my father to Easter lunch at my aunt's house a couple of weekends ago. I've never been close to my father's side of the family. My initial response to his invitation would have normally been a pacifying "I'll try." I guess he thought I may come because there were going to be, in his words, "plenty of new babies there to hold." Little did he know, there was no better way of making sure I didn't attend. Knowing that the women on that side of the family have been multiplying like rabbits lately, I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to go. Why should I put myself through unnecessary pain, disappointment, and frustration; all for the sake of putting on a fake smile and pretending to oooo and ahhhh over the new bundles of joy that once again do not belong to me? The old me would've gone anyway. The old me would've felt guilty, selfish, and self-centered for saying no. The old me would have done my very best to please. The old me would've went and smiled the whole time. But, the new me said "I'm just not able to deal with that right now." I know Dad feels sorry for me, but that's about as deep as it goes. He doesn't know what to say. And that's ok.

Random.....
The question I was asked multiple times this past week.......

"So.... do you have any children???"

What a terrible way to start a conversation with me, a great way to make my skin crawl, and a guaranteed way to make me want to disappear.

Life and such....

2010-04-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

Easter has come and gone. The year is flying by on the wind. Wasn't it just Christmas? Along with the blooming buds of spring come the blooming bellies of pregnant women everywhere I turn. I am hyper-sensitive when it comes to spotting baby bumps.

I'm starting a new position at my company next week. I'm excited about the change because I've become bored with alot of my current job duties. And the change of scenery will be nice. I packed up three boxes of stuff today before leaving. It's crazy how much junk I acquire at my home away from home. I had enough instant oatmeal stashed away in a drawer to feed a crowd of twenty or so. I found so many different scents of lotion that I could use a different scent each day. I packed up one box of stuff to bring home to put in a garage sale. I'm thinking of having one around the first of May before it gets too hot.

A few of the other items I packed today: Christmas decorations, Halloween decorations, green tea, hazelnut coffee creamer, a book called "365 Inspirational Thoughts for Breaktime," three This Old House magazines, five vases, two fleece blankets, and two sweaters. This list could go on and on.

Now for some randomness......

-Why does Maggie like to lie down on the hardwood floors occasionally, but 3 year old Molly has never once done that?

-I love Facebook......I love all 238 of my Facebook friends. I feel like I get a small glimpse of what's going on in each of their lives. Why does it take something like Facebook to keep in touch?

-No matter how closely I follow her recipe, the food I prepare will never taste as good as it does when Mom cooks it.

-Keith and I talk alot about places we'd like to go on vacation. But, when it comes down to actually planning a trip, neither one of us like the thought of being far away from home.

-I don't watch alot of TV, but there are several shows that have captured my attention lately. Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Billy the Exterminator, and Undercover Boss are some of my favorites.

-MercyMe performed at our local municipal auditorium back in February. Actually, the concert was the week of my Beta after our January IVF. I had hoped the concert would be a celebration finale to our long two months, but instead it was a celebration of our endurance and ability to smile, even after our dream of a baby was not going to be a reality just yet. That night was the first time I've ever seen Keith touched to tears by a song. And I will never forget it.

Thanks and No Thanks

2010-03-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

My, how time flies! It is hard to believe we are about to enter April. Last week held the first day of Spring, my favorite season. My white iris is blooming. The daffodils lived a short, but beautiful life this year as they lined both sides of my driveway. It's amazing how much I take for granted, even though I constantly try not to. As I write this, I'm in bed with a good cup of coffee, my Bible and devotional on my left side, my newest editions of Family Circle, Better Homes and Gardens, and STAR magazines to my right, and one of the two laptops I own in my lap. I'm planning to stay in this spot until forced to get up and face household chores of sweeping and mopping all of my floors today. For someone with no carpet, floors are quite the task. But what about people who have no floors? No coffee? No food? No books? No Bible? No bed? No home? Being from a small and sheltered community, I'm not fully able to wrap my mind around most of these circumstances, so I have to purposely make the effort to remind myself of how desolate the world truly is outside my window. There are days when I am guilty of not being thankful enough.
Speaking of giving thanks, one blog in particular my cousin recently suggested is one that helps remind me how thoughtless, careless, and thankless the human race can be when it comes to being wasteful. The blog is entitled Frugan Living, and shocked and amazed I was when I first began reading and realizing how much people throw away. The girl who writes the blog does the bulk of her shopping from local dumpsters. She goes out periodically and gathers everything from food to books to gadgets to shoes. She takes pictures of the meals she prepares too, which I am a fan of. It has opened my eyes and has made me more aware of the items I throw so frivolously into the garbage.

So, baby news. There is none. And the hole in my soul is still there. What else can I say? I know that one day I will be able to look back on where I am today and realize the path God had planned for me all along, but right now, I'm not able to be thankful for the hole. Until I'm a Mom, there is no other way to describe it. That hole is deep and dark and scary, and the tears I sometimes shed are because of that hole. The tears erupt hard, heavy, and quickly before I even have time to realize I'm crying, like a volcano. It's a cry that's new to me. The tears feel like they come from a deeper place. It feels different.

Even though I try not to, I love looking at babies. It's a bitter-sweet love, but it's a love. Keith and I were out to eat one night last week, and there were not only one set of twin girls in the restaurant, but TWO sets of twin girls. I told Keith it must be a twin reunion. Of course, there was the initial sting. But then came hope. And then came my fajitas. Ha.
I found this poem somewhere a year or so ago, and I read it often. It is another reminder on how thankful I should always be on a daily basis, never forgetting to be thankful, even for the small stuff.

Today upon a bus I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,

I envied her, she seemed so gay and I wished I were so fair;

When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg, and wore a crutch, and as she passed - a smile.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I have to legs. The world is mine.

And then I stopped to buy some sweets.

The lad who sold them had such charm,

I talked to him - he seemed so glad -

If I were late, 'twould do no harm.

And as I left he said to me, "I thank you. You have been so kind,

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said "I'm blind."

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two eyes. The world is mine.

Later, walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue,

He stood and watched the others play;

It seemed he knew not what to do.

I stopped a moment, then I said: "Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew - he could not hear.

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two ears. The world is mine.

With legs to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow -

With ears to hear what I would know.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I'm blessed indeed. The world is mine.

-Author Unknown

I Love Lemonade.

2010-03-17T19:00:00.001-07:00

I love awards! I really love unexpected ones. My new blogging friend, Deni, awarded me the "Making Lemonade out of Lemons" Blog award. I so love that!

The rules for this award:

-Put the lemonade logo within your post or on your blog.

-Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and gratitude.

-Link the nominees within your post.

-Let the nominees know they've received the award by commenting on their blog.

-Share the love and link to the person from whom you received the award.

Since I am still new to the blog world, I'm going to hold off on my nominations. I have a handful of favorites that I keep up with on a daily basis, but I'm not familiar with 10 blogs yet. But, I'm definitely going to reserve my nominating rights for the future!

Now time to share the love! I hope you will visit Deni's website Making Our Troxclair Family. She has such a sweet and positive spirit, and it's contagious. She is a courageous and strong lady who is a true inspiration to me. Her posts always make me smile.

Speaking of making lemonade out of lemons, I try. We continue tossing our lemons around juicing them as fast as we can. However, our progress in Babyland is slow these days. One step at a time, I guess, but I'm frustrated. You'd think I must have a lemon tree in my backyard with all of these lemons. Just about the time I think we may be one step ahead and on our way to a resolution, I look around and realize we've taken two steps back and haven't made any progress whatsoever. I've got to stop trying so hard to make life happen. I get so wound up in working on getting to where I want to be that I forget where I am. I'm turning 34 years old in a few days. I don't want to wake up one day in the near future and realize I've forgotten how to live and enjoy my life. As Mom said to me today, she just wants me to enjoy the blooming flowers and trees of springtime, not be stirred up about something everyday. Amen to that. I love spring. It goes great with lemonade.

2010-03-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

I've been home from work sick with flu-like symptoms for the past two days. I also have a terrible toothache. I've definitely watched my share of Housewives of Every County while I've been home. Those women have no idea. Enough said about them.

This past weekend was a different kind of weekend for us. We were informed by my stepson's mother that he's been having some problems at school. His grades are shabby. He was caught damaging school property, and to make matters worse, he lied about it. He's 12, and Keith swears it's just a boy thing. A puberty and hormonal type thing boys go through at that age.

All of this is new to me. I didn't have any brothers (or sisters) growing up. I certainly never got into any trouble. And the truth is, I have no experience with discipline. It would be helpful if kids sprouted a handbook of sorts once they reach that difficult age. Lucky for me, the responsibility of disciplining him solely falls on Keith. I'm just taking notes.

We've reached some decisions on our next baby steps, and as difficult as it is for me not to blurt everything out, I'm going to resist sharing too much information at this point. I will be sharing more details as our plans begin to materialize. Please keep us in your prayers!

The view from my shopping cart

2010-02-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

Since Keith and I began trying to have a baby, it amazes me what some of my well-meaning friends say. Don't get me wrong....I love them all. And every word that's said to me I realize is said in love. I know infertility is something not often discussed in casual conversation, and when people are faced with the subject, most don't know what to say or are scared to death they will say the wrong thing. It has taken me some time, but I like to think I've developed an ability to hear their words not only with my ears, but also with my heart. People truly mean well.

Sometimes someone will say "Enjoy it, because when you have a baby, that will end." This is usually said during a conversation about me sleeping in on a Saturday, taking naps, going on a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip with Keith, my quiet morning coffee, etc. I can't help but wonder......will all of that really end? I am ready for my life to change, as I'm also told will happen once we have a baby. I would be willing to sacrifice all of my simple pleasures for my bundle of love, joy, affection, and wet diapers. And I'm sure all mothers who read this will say "yeah right" to my next statement, but I don't believe I will have to sacrifice much of anything except maybe a few nights of sleep. Life will continue. And the coffee will too. A baby will only make the simple pleasures of my life even more enjoyable.

I was thinking about all of this last night while I was grocery shopping in Wal-Mart. As I've mentioned before, Wal-Mart is a prime location to baby-watch. Last night was no exception. I couldn't help but notice how inconvenienced the majority of women with children seemed while shopping. Some of them probably speak in a more kind and gentle tone to strangers than their own children. I believe that if anything good at all possibly comes from my infertility, it will be that I will always think before opening my mouth to speak to my child. May the Lord always guide my tongue and emotions before I say something that will ever make him or her think they are not the most precious gift I've ever received. I know being a Mom has to be a stressful and tiring job. But it is a God-given position. A priceless gift. A gift some of us so desperately desire. A gift one should cherish each and everyday, no matter how much sleep you had the night before or how many dirty dishes are stacked in the sink. I wish some Moms would have this knowledge. This perspective. I wish they could see the view from where I stand.

Business Trip

2010-02-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

I'm away from home tonight hanging at the Holiday Inn Express in a terribly lonely hotel room in Longview, Texas. Three co-workers and myself are here to do some research and work on one of the Murphy USA locations.

American Idol is on, and I believe this sets the record for the worst season so far. It's excruciating to watch. Poor Ellen seems so out of her element and uncomfortable. I think she'd rather be chewing on nails somewhere than having to judge these kids.

We made it to a snowy Longview this evening around 5:30, and we were starving. Just like on most business trips I've been on, no one in the vehicle knew where any good places to eat were, so we just headed out from our hotel hoping for the best. We came upon an oddly shaped brick building on the left called Johnny Cace's Steak and Seafood. I never have much confidence in these types of local establishments, but I wasn't driving; plus my stomach was starting to eat thru my backbone. We walked inside to find the 70's threw up in there. The walls were pink. The booths and chairs were radiant red. There were muted murals on the wall. I have no words to describe the ladies room. Despite the aged decor, it turned out to be a lovely dining experience. I ordered fish and shrimp. But, the star of the show was the dessert: Bourbon Chocolate Pecan Pie. The restaurant makes all of their pies in house, and boy....that piece of pie was tasty. The most intriguing part of the whole meal was the relish tray that was brought out before our meal....a four-sectioned silver plated tray which held individual plastic cups of sweet pickles, pickled okra, a corn relish, and a cheese spread which tasted like Cheez Whiz. In the center of the tray was a blue label declaring the name "JANET" which had been printed from one of those label maker machines like Elaine re-gifted on Seinfeld. It isn't everyday you see this type of thing, and I regret not taking a picture of it now. It made me smile.

Enlightened

2010-02-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

I am not alone.

Keith and I are in the midst of a storm.....but we know the clouds will soon part, and the best is yet to come.

There are so many of women like me out there. I realize this more after catching up on several blogs this weekend. I know I shouldn't minimize the pain of my infertility, failed IVF, and the deep desire to have a baby of my own. But after reading some of the blogs I've read this weekend, I realize that my sadness and struggle is nothing compared to what other brave and sweet women are going through.

I was briefly pregnant once in 2001....only pregnant long enough to know something was wrong. This is when my problems began. It was ectopic. I had surgery. I lost a fallopian tube. I never carried my baby. I never felt it kick. But, I was very much pregnant, and for a moment, I was very much a mother. That day in July nine years ago forever changed my future. I suffered a great loss that day and took on a whole new self-identity.....the infertile woman.

At the risk of sounding harsh, I must say.....if I was meant to lose my baby, I am thankful I lost it that way. The Lord saved me from much grief. I grieved greatly over losing the baby and part of myself. But, when I think of how hard it would've been if I had spent months preparing for a baby and then lose it.....I truly don't know if I am that strong. So many women suffer unimaginable pain. My mind can't comprehend giving birth to a baby that isn't alive. My mind can't comprehend waking up one morning after weeks of feeling a baby move inside, then suddenly not feeling anything. My mind can't comprehend why God in Heaven allows such things to happen to some women.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has ever suffered the loss of a baby or pregnancy. It is not an easy road we travel.

They are EVERYWHERE.

2010-02-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I've just never noticed as much. But perhaps they're just following me. Children and babies are everywhere. All shapes. All sizes. At the table in front of me at the restaurant...not just behind me or beside me, but in my direct line of vision. In the shopping cart in front of me in line at Walmart. In the car beside me at the red light. Even at my beauty shop. The one place I want to relax and think about nothing except me and my hair. And another riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. As I slowly drive by, he stops, smiles, and waves at me. Babies. Little girls. Little boys. Babies, women with babies, couples with babies, multiple babies, and more and more babies. Strollers and carseats and babies!!! If it's not babies, then it pregnant women.....women who are pregnant WITH BABIES! Constant reminders. Oh my God, can't I just get away from it just for a moment?

2010-02-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

It has been a few days since my last post. I've thought about writing but haven't had much to say. Keith has been working strange hours the past few days, and I've been spending alot of time at Mom's.

Keith's crazy work schedule has forced us to take a break from the baby discussions. I'm thankful for a break, in a way, but at the same time, I need resolution. I feel somewhat out of sorts not knowing what our next step will be. The uncertainty is incredibly overwhelming. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I wouldn't say I'm my normal self either. I'm somewhere in between.

I made an appointment today to have my hair done this Friday. I'm thinking of getting a new cut. I'm indecisive at this point (as I am with many other aspects of my life,) but once I decide, I'll post a picture. For now, I believe I'm calling it a day.

2010-02-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #12, February 9, 2010

Dr. Saleh's phone call came at roughly 11:00 AM this morning while I was sitting at my desk at work. It wasn't the news we had so hopefully hoped for, but it was news I somewhat expected.

We are all disappointed. Hollow would be the best way to describe how I've felt up until this evening. I had work to keep me busy during the day, and my co-workers were so kind to me. They kept me laughing and positive all afternoon, and it's a blessing I didn't completely lose it and have to be wheeled out of the building after Dr. Saleh's phone call. But tonight, there are no shots to take or pills to remember, and no protocol to even type in my introduction of this post. And it seems official. Buried underneath all of the positive thoughts and optimism, there is a place I don't like to go or even admit exists: I am sad.

This is by no means the end of the road for us. We will try again. Dr. Saleh suggested I give my body a rest at least until May. And this is what we'll do. Keith and I have alot to talk and think about. We talked briefly about the day over dinner and what we should do next. We have a few options.....trying the very same protocol again, using donor eggs, or moving on to adoption. The answers will come with time over the next few months. The challenge is always trying to hear God's voice in our decision making.

I'm watching Little People on TLC. I love the show, but I usually forget to watch it because I forget what night it comes on. The couple is wanting to start a family but because of their dwarfism, they are considering surrogacy. In this episode, they are in Beverly Hills at a fertility clinic to see if Jen has any eggs to harvest. I am actually struggling to focus on writing my blog post tonight because I am so into this show. I relate so much with their struggle, and they are such a positive and inspirational couple despite their physical obstacles that they seem to have successfully overcome.

I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. I enjoy writing. It's a comfort to me, even though I'm not that good at it, but I'm sure my day-to-day life is surely to be a complete bore to most.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The sun will come up. And we will survive. God will not give me more than I can handle. And we have so many things to be thankful for. I have the best husband in the world. I have the best network of supportive family and friends. We are all healthy, have food on the table each day, jobs to pay our bills, a roof over our heads, and God loving us. What more could we possibly need?

A baby would be nice. :)

Tomorrow

2010-02-07T18:45:00.001-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #10, February 7, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid Supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V Progesterone Suppository (1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg in the PM)

I'm trying to decide what colors to paint my nails tonight. Keith and I spent the day watching The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo, and her nails were black. I really like them! I have some black polish, but it's the hardest color to take off and the color never really turns out looking as good as what I think it will. It seems a bit much too.....choosing to apply black polish to my nails for a day like tomorrow. It seems only natural to choose a bright and vibrant color like Red Hot Tamali or Cheri Melon.

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm not very excited about tomorrow. I've been down and out most of the weekend. I've figured out why. I think I may have forgotten how to have a normal life. I have been completely amped up on shots and pills and optimism that now that it's all about to be over, I may not be able to just be a normal woman.

But, as a dear friend just reminded me, I AM pregnant until proven otherwise. There will be no more negative talk. No matter what happens, the sun will come out tomorrow. It will keep rising and setting. And we'll keep living and breathing.

I'm planning on going for the test around 9 AM tomorrow. Dr. Saleh will be calling me sometime afterwards with the results.

Hello, Blog World...how I've missed you.

2010-02-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #9, February 6, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic Acid
Progesterone injection (50 mg in the PM)
E2V Progesterone suppository (1 before bedtime)

I'm back! Thank God up above I have recovered! There were a few moments when I wondered if I was truly on my way out of this world and was wishing at some points I would just die. Dramatic, yes. But oh so dreadful. There are few things worse in this world than a vicious stomach virus, especially one that attacks mid-day while your sitting at your desk at work during month-end close. I will spare most of the ugly details. It hasn't been that often that I have text messaged Keith while he was working and told him "you have to come home now." Unfortunately, he couldn't. So, he did the best thing a husband could ever do....he called Mom. And she came runnin'. This was the first time I've ever been so sick that I was immobile, unable to form words properly, and was practically unconcious. Mom loves me. She has to, especially after what she endured Wednesday and Thursday. The scene into which she walked in on Wednesday was nothing short of a disgusting bathroom disaster gone haywire. We camped in the living room both nights. I really don't remember much, but I don't think we slept at all Wednesday night. In between 30 minute intervals of dry heaves, we may have dozed. I hope and pray she stays well. She sprayed lots of Lysol, cleaned alot, and wore her face mask while she was here. I love her.

Day after tomorrow is my bloodtest. I can't put into words how ready I am for this chapter of my life to be done. This has been the longest ordeal. I'm past sick and tired of this shot in my bum every night. I'm past sick and tired of having to REMEMBER to take this shot in my bum every night. I woke up an absolute pill this morning. Thank goodness Keith is still asleep. The dogs got to endure my viciousness. I've simmered down now.

I'm about to make a completely honest statement. I don't feel pregnant. There were a few days at first where I did with the twinges and fullness. Now, not so much. I'm so ready to know either way so we can move on to wherever it is we need to move. My patience only goes so far, and mine has long been spent. I think I'm already experiencing alittle bit of disappointment in preparation of not having to ruin a perfectly good week next week. Pessimistic? No, just realistic. My body is sick of this, and it's saying let's get on with it, please! Enough is enough!

I can tell by this post that I need to get out of the house today. I'm using exclamation points.

Loves to all.

2010-02-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #5, February 2, 2010 (Halfway there!)
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
E2V (Progesterone) Suppository (1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg injection in the PM)

We are officially at the halfway mark! Only five more days until our first blood test to see if the last month and half of our lives was not a complete waste of time. Keith and I were talking the other day about what a good time we've had on our Dallas trips. We've definitely spent alot of quality time together. So I guess no matter what the results, it hasn't been a waste of time.

I'm all set to have my blood tests done at Donya Watson's office in El Dorado. I'm relieved we are not having to make another trip to Dallas for our tests. I've had a February 5 appointment scheduled with her for two months, but due to the date falling before my blood test, I called her office today and postponed it. I've heard alot of good things about Donya. I used to be a patient of Dr. Booker before I transferred my records to Little Rock. He was ok. I feel almost forced to find a local OBGYN. And my options are minimal. I would love to hear suggestions, so please e-mail me your opinions or comments.

I think Keith and I are going to make a trip to Wal-mart tonight. We will probably eat supper while we're out too. Keith goes back to work on nights tomorrow, so time to go to war. That's the way he acts.....like he's leaving home for a month when he . He must have snacks. He must have breakfast food and supper/lunch food. He must have drinks. He must have everything in "just so" order the night before all layed out on the countertop. He makes me laugh.

Our girls

2010-02-01T17:40:00.001-08:00

Two of the funniest and sweetest best friends anyone could ever ask for....

Maggie

Playing outside with Molly

Monday, Feb 1, 2010

Maggie and Molly

Looking at Nana's yard thru the fence

Monday, February 1, 2010

Molly and Maggie

Having a "stare down" outside

Monday, February 1, 2010

Molly and Maggie

Watching Amy make a funny face while Keith tries to take a good picture of them....

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Maggie

Busted!....but she's totally innocent. No, she doesn't rip stuffing out of all of the chew toys!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Molly
Waiting on a bite of something from our supper.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Molly and Maggie

Enjoying their favorite game.....CHASE!

Monday, February 1, 2010

P.U.P.O.

2010-02-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #4, February 1, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid Supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
E2V Progesterone Suppository ( 1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg injection)

"Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"

I got a whole heck of a lot of work done today! It was nice to have something to focus on and divert my attention. This is close week, so my days this week have the capability of getting out of hand. So far so good. My only problem today was my pants. I thought about my pants touching my stomach where I bend just about all day. I wished for a recliner. I spent the majority of the day with my feet propped up on my spare trash can and my pants unzipped. I'm either wearing a dress tomorrow or stretch pants. Stretch pants are my friend these days.

We'll be at the halfway day tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm going to work next Monday or not.

2010-01-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #3, January 31, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
E2V Progesterone Suppository (1 before bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg in the PM)

Back to work tomorrow. I'm not going to know how to behave. I've spent more time asleep this weekend than awake. It's been great.

Keith and I have been wondering when I'll start showing signs of being pregnant, if in fact, I'm pregnant. Yesterday afternoon, I spent some time googling the subject. Some of what I discovered was encouraging, especially considering some of the twinges I've been feeling. Here is some of what I found.

Most women do not experience any symptoms of pregnancy until two weeks after ovulation (in my case, this would be around the time of my second blood test on February 10.)
Some symptoms experienced by women prior to POSITIVE blood tests after IVF: cramping, pelvic twinges, breast tenderness, spotting, and fatigue. These symptoms, however, are also side effects of the progesterone injections.
Implantation can occur between six and ten days after ovulation (which for me would be between Friday and Tuesday.)
There is no way to predict success based on a missed period. From everything I read, women's cycles are completely off schedule after the hormone injections.

I found an interesting fact regarding assisted hatching, which is what was done to our embryo to help it along because the outer layer (zona pellucida) surrounding our embryo was slightly thicker than normal. Assisted hatching can increase the likelihood of identical twins.

I have a fullness in my lower stomach tonight....not as many twinges as yesterday. I could sleep at a moment's notice. Keith's been working the day shift this weekend, so he has been going to bed around 8:00 pm. I've been going to bed at the same time he does and sleeping until at least 8:00 the next morning. I took a two hour nap yesterday and today.

I've been alot more at peace today than yesterday. Something I read on an IVF discussion board I frequent hit home. In regards to a woman's desperate post about the agony of waiting the long ten days for the blood test, a woman posted "we are pregnant until proven otherwise." That's my motto for the next week......I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

2010-01-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

Post-Transfer Day #2, January 30, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
**New** Progesterone Suppository (in the PM before bed)
Progesterone injection (in the PM)

The question is "How do I feel?"

I wish I knew the answer to that. How DO I feel? Is that a twinge? Is that a pain? Is that bloating or fullness I'm feeling? Is that a baby in there? Is it normal for my back to hurt? Seems like it should be, considering I've been on my back 90% of the time since transfer.

I've somehow got to keep from running myself absolutely insane between now and next week. One minute, I am so positive. The next minute, I'm totally opposite of positive. Then, I regret not being positive. Keith, on the other hand, is completely positive it has worked. I am being way too hyper-sensitive about every little ache, pain, twinge, and hiccup. I sneezed for the first time a minute ago, and this image came into my head of the baby being jarred to the point of unattaching. Insane, I know.

Meanwhile, it is 10:00 AM on Saturday, and I am not out of bed yet. Keith's at work, it's way too cold, and what do I have to do anyway besides laundry? I got up long enough to walk the girls and make coffee and then back to bed we went. I really need to go in to the office and work some either today or tomorrow, but I may not. My instructions were modified bedrest for the first 24 hours. Sit or lay with brief breaks to go to the bathroom or eat. No driving, but riding home in the car would be fine. My 24 hours were up yesterday at 3 pm. My restrictions until after the pregnancy tests are no heavy lifting of anything over 10 lbs, no exercise, and no sex. All Mom wants me to do is sit still and quiet with my hands in my lap until next week. I'm to the point where I feel like doing just that.

2010-01-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

Transfer Day, January 28, 2010

Dexamethasone (1 tablet in the AM)

Prenatal vitamin

Folic Acid

Progesterone injection (in the PM)

**no E2V suppository tonight....will begin Progesterone suppository tomorrow night.**

Keith and I just split the best piece of cheesecake ever made, complete with white chocolate and strawberry sauce. We were too full tonight after our steak at Saltgrass, so we ordered dessert to go.

What a day! We arrived at the clinic at 2:30 and was taken back for my normal "get undressed and put on the gown with the opening in the back" routine. Keith kept me cracked up today. As he was helping with my gown, he said "well, Victoria doesn't have any more Secrets, does she?" That IS the truth. I've been naked with my legs in stir-ups far too much lately. And hopefully, I'll have many more sets of stir-ups in my future.

The lab tech came in and gave us an update on the two embryos. One had completely stopped growing at 9 cells. The other was growing slowly but was still of good quality. She said if it were to be left another few hours that it would probably start hatching and turning into a blastocyst, so she said she would go into the lab and attempt to "help it along" before transfer.

Here is a picture of our sweet little embryo before the transfer.

Once we were taken to the transfer room (Keith got to go back with me today,) the lab tech and Dr. Saleh came in. The tech said she looked at both embryos again. The bad news was the 9 cell embryo was still not growing and had not changed at all in two days. The other one, however, had successfully started hatching and was in early blast stage. From what I have read, the embryo has a better chance of attaching when at this early blast stage because this is the stage the embryo is naturally in when it reaches the uterus during natural conception. Dr. Saleh said he did not like to transfer embryos that are no longer growing. It can sometimes hinder the good one from attaching. So with this, we went with his advice and only transferred the one happy embryo. The process was really miraculous. Dr. Saleh was guided by ultrasound. I kept my eyes closed most of the time trying to relax and stay calm. Keith watched the ultrasound screen the whole time. After the catheter was placed, Dr. Saleh guided the embryo in through the catheter. Keith saw a white dot shoot across the screen. He said "was that it???!" It was! Dr. Saleh turned the screen around and explained to us what were looking at.....the uterus, the lining, and there it was.....the small white dot. Right where it needed to be, he said.

God provides us with exactly what we need, with the amount we need, when we need it. No more, no less. This experience was a perfect example of Him providing. We began with five eggs, two fertilized, and we transferred one. It only takes one. He only needs one.

I feel really good tonight. I keep thinking I feel "twinges." Keith said it's probably just in my head. Dr. Saleh said I shouldn't have any cramping from the transfer. So far, I haven't. I thought at first I was feeling some cramping while we were in the holding area after the transfer, but I'm still sore from the retrieval. I think that is what I was feeling. Either that, or as Keith thinks, it's the embie in there hanging on going "weeeeeeeeee!!!!"

We'll be coming home tomorrow. I had a great nap this afternoon, so I hope I'm able to sleep well tonight.

Here is a picture of me prior to transfer. I'm still not any more fond of these hair net hat things than I was in July. But in my opinion, my butterfly earrings added a nice touch. I started to post the first picture Keith took. My earrings were tucked in my hat. When I realized that, I made him take another picture.

2010-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

Post-Retrieval Day #4, January 27, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM ----but I took it tonight.)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement
E2V (Estriadiol) Suppository (in the PM before bed)
Progesterone injection (in the PM)

I have a song to sing. I've been singing all day. Singing in my car. Singing at my desk at work and getting funny looks. I even went to choir practice tonight and had a blast. Tomorrow is the "Big T" Day! I e-mailed Titi today to see if I should be expecting a report on the embies today and if we were still on schedule for tomorrow. All she said was we're still on for tomorrow. So, no news must be good news in this case.

It's hard to believe this is all about to come to an end. I certainly won't miss the injections and other drugs.

We're leaving at 8:00 in the morning. Our appointment is at 2:30 tomorrow. We're spending the night and coming home Friday. Keith made a reservation for us at the Hyatt. Mom's staying with the girls. I wanted her to go, and I think she really wanted to go, but I hate for her to use all of her vacation time this early on. We won't like it, but we'll survive.

I'm very behind. I bought my pineapple and walnuts today, but I have yet to cut up the pineapple. I want to eat some before bed and some for breakfast in the morning, then take the rest of it with us to Dallas. I still have to pack. I'm so tired of packing and unpacking. I really wanted to paint my fingernails and toes tonight, but it's not looking like that's going to happen.

Signing off from the 612 for a couple of days.....will post from the Big D tomorrow.

*~*~~*Loves and hugs and happy sticky floating sparkling baby vibes!!!*~*~~*

2010-01-26T16:39:00.001-08:00

Post-Retrieval Day #3 (ONLY ONE MORE DAY TIL TRANSFER)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic acid supplement
E2V (Estriadiol) Suppository (in the PM before bedtime)
Progesterone injection (in the PM)

Dr. Saleh e-mailed me great news this morning about our embryos. They are still growing! And they are of "average" quality. Whatever. They are perfect. Keith says we will not say average. They are exceptional. They are miracles. And they are perfect.

The doctor's e-mail read "The embryos are still growing and are of average quality. We will know more in a couple of days. Hoping for the best." He also printscreened an embryology report in his e-mail. The chart looked something like this (only in rows and columns):

Day 3
Grade 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10
I
II
III
TOTAL

The number "2" was in the 6 column and II row. So what does this mean?

I did some research on blastocysts after this e-mail. Amazingly, I recognized some of the terminology from high school biology class. Upon conception, an embryo is one-celled. After 12 - 15 hours, it splits into two. After another 12- 15 hours it doubles yet again into four. Going by these guidelines, if my embies are at 6 cells on Day 3, they are normal.

I read tonight on some discussion boards that eating pineapple, either fresh or canned, and walnuts between retrieval day and transfer day may help increase the chance of implantation. It just so happens, I've been eating fresh pineapple all week. Yay for me. I plan on buying another tomorrow and stock up on the walnuts. I've also read that getting a massage on the day before or the day of transfer is recommended. My cousin, Amanda, e-mailed me an outline of different Dallas activities to consider during our trip Thursday, and one of them was a massage. I do believe I'll call tomorrow. Hopefully, I can schedule a short-notice appointment.

I'm planning on calling the clinic tomorrow to check on the embies. I'm sure the staff is sick of me by now, but I don't care.

I found a picture online of what a Day 3 embryo looks like. This happens to be an 8 cell.

The Happy Couple

2010-01-25T19:44:00.001-08:00

Post-Retrieval Day #2, January 25, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Antiobiotic tablet - last day of antiobiotic
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V (Estriadiol) Suppository (in the PM before bedtime)
Progesterone injection (in the PM)

We have two embryos! Dr. Saleh called home at 8:45 this morning with the news. Keith was asleep when the phone rang. He gave me word for word details....that is, as best as he can handle word for word details. He's not much of a detail man, but he did well this morning. According to Dr. Saleh, the other three eggs were not mature enough or of high enough quality to fertilize. I had a feeling this would be the case but remained hopeful for all five.

We will get an embryo quality and cell report tomorrow either by phone or e-mail. We're hoping for GRADE A quality!!! The higher the quality, the greater the success rate. Rates mean nothing to me really. If God wants it to work, it will work. All we need is one. And we have two. Praise the Lord!

Mom helped me with my Progesterone injection tonight since Keith is working. She did an excellent job! She was just alittle nervous, but she didn't have any trouble with it at all.

My ovaries feel just flat out sore and tired tonight. I think I'm putting them to bed now.

Looking forward to posting more good news tomorrow....

*~* Happy Sticky Growing Loving Sparkly Fun and Sweet Embie Vibes!!!*~*

2010-01-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

Post-Retrieval Day #1, January 24, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Antibiotic tablet
(2 tablets daily
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V (Estradiol) suppository (in the PM before bed)
Progesterone injection (in the PM)

Dr. Saleh didn't call us today. I've been waiting by the phone since waking up this morning! I have barely gone outside to walk the girls. I have tried to stay busy. I've washed alot of laundry. I cooked spaghetti and garlic bread for lunch. I baked a chess pie. I watched useless and boring television. I worked several Suduko puzzles. I took a couple of naps. I attempted to call SIRM thinking just MAYBE someone will answer the phone. I've checked my work voicemail. I've checked e-mail. Did Titi write my contact number down wrong? Did Dr. Saleh forget today was Sunday and wouldn't be going in to the office? Was he abducted by blue IVF hating aliens? I just don't know! In the words of one of my favorite co-workers, it is what it is. Some, all, or none of the eggs are fertilized at this moment, regardless if I know or not. As soon as the Worst Chef in America goes off, I'm going to bed and putting this day out of its misery. I will find out tomorrow.

2010-01-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

Day #30, January 23, 2010
Dexamethasone
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement
Antiobiotic (twice daily)
E2V (Estriadiol) suppository (in the PM before bedtime)
*NEW* Progesterone intramuscular injection (1 ml in the PM) - hormone normally produced after ovulation, needed to prepare for embryo implantation.

I'm posting tonight from my couch at 612! Home at last! What an exciting week it's been....definitely one Keith and I will remember for the rest of our lives. We are thrilled to be home.

Egg retrieval went well this morning. We arrived at the clinic at 9:30 as instructed. Almost immediately, Titi called us back. Keith and I were led to one of the prep rooms. There were a few forms for us to sign before the procedure, and the anesthesiologist was there to discuss his part. I chose to opt out of anesthesia during the procedure to avoid having to go into the hospital's OR. I didn't lose that dang 12 pounds I've been fretting about. And due to those steroids I've been taking everyday, I've gained about 10 more. That's another story for another day, and right now, I couldn't care less what I weigh. Instead of being asleep for the procedure, I was only given oxygen and a mild, short-lasting medication in an IV that was administered periodically throughout the procedure, which lasted a total of about 10 minutes. It was no picnic. I shall not sugar-coat. But then again, no one ever said it wouldn't hurt when my ovaries were punctured. It could've been worse, I'm sure. The worst part was the initial stab, which came after I was asked to take a deep breath and cough hard. My blood pressure got somewhat high during the procedure, but it came right down as soon as it was over. Dr. Saleh called me courageous and seemed very impressed that I was able to make it thru all five follicles. It was obvious from their reactions that this was a rare occurrance. I keep telling Keith and Mom that when I do get pregnant and am delivering, I may just ask the doctor to step aside while I deliver my own baby. I do believe after all of this, it would be a cake walk.

I recovered for about 20 minutes afterwards in the holding area. My blood pressure and temperature was monitored, and ahhhhhh......Mary (one of the IVF nurses) brought me a cold diet coke. I met Mary for the first time on Thursday. She is an RN from SIRM-St Louis and has been in Dallas this week helping out with retrievals. Around 11:30, we were leaving the office and on our way to Denny's. I was starving. (Or as Mom called it...."Dendy's.")

I can't brag enough about the staff and Dr. Saleh at SIRM-Dallas. I have not dealt with anyone there that I felt didn't know me personally. We feel so taken care of and cared about while we are there. We know everyone there is rooting us on and wanting the absolute best for us. It has definitely been worth the distance and driving. I would recommend them to anyone.

Dr. Saleh will be calling us tomorrow with a report on how many of the five fertilized. We are praying for all five eggs tonight to be five growing embryos tomorrow! I feel disconnected tonight in a way. All of the hours and time and medication and injections to get those little eggs to where they are....they are mine. And to think about them being all alone in a dark lab so many miles away tonight sort of makes me sad. That is probably silly to think that way. We should receive yet another phone call on Tuesday with a full embryo report about the grade quality and cell numbers of the embryos. So, now, we're waiting for the phone to ring. I wanted to go to church tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be leaving until I hear from Dr. Saleh.

We were on our way home from Dallas by 12:30. It rained most of the way home. I was given something right before I left the clinic for pain that made me sleep very well the whole way home. We made it home around 6:00. The girls were happy to see us. And we were even happier to see them.

It was great having Mom and Mike with us. They drove in Friday and drove back with us today. We had a great night with them last night. Keith drove us into Plano to a nice mall. Mom and I shopped in Macy's for almost two hours, while Keith and Mike explored the rest of the mall. Mom and I both bought us a comfortable outfit for the doctor's appointment. Mom also bought a purse in the mall that is quite lovely. We ate at Saltgrass Steakhouse before returning to our rooms. All I have to say about that place is YUM!!!! That was the absolute best steak I've ever had.....a great way to start my no food/no drink fasting. Speaking of fasting, I may try my hand again at that in the next few days in an attempt to get some of these extra pounds off.

To all of our friends and family who are keeping up with us on our blog and Facebook, we love you. We would not be doing as well as we are without your support and prayers. God has been and continues to comfort us and give us the strength we need to make it through this each day...even when we're tired or hormonal or worried or anxious. He is there.

*~*Baby dust and vibes and loves for Our Fabulous Five!*~* ........

2010-01-22T07:35:00.000-08:00

Day #29, January 22, 2010
Dexamethasone (1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic Acid Supplement
E2V Suppository
*NEW* (started this one yesterday) Azithromycin (antibiotic) - 1 tablet in the AM - in preparation for egg retrieval.

This list of medication is alot shorter! It was so great no having to stick myself this morning. The trigger shot went well at midnight last night. Keith did a great job. He's sleeping in this morning, and I've been up enjoying the quiet.

We had a nice evening last night. We decided to actually make a plan and go out. Absolutely nothing has been "planned" while in Dallas this week, so being the control freak that I am, it was refreshing to actually have a plan. There is an IMAX theatre a few blocks over, and since Keith has never experienced an IMAX movie, we decided that's what we would do, especially since AVATAR was playing in 3D. We've both been wanting to see it. It was a great movie...by far, one of the best ones I've seen in awhile. Although there were some details I personally didn't agree with (praying to trees, Eywa, nature, and the forest, for instance) it was still a great story of good vs. evil. The imagery was amazing. Sigourney Weaver played in the movie, which was a surprise to both of us. I loved her in the Alien movies.

I feel good today, and I'm very excited about retrieval day tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to heading back home tomorrow too. I miss Molly and Maggie SO MUCH! I'm having some mild discomfort on my left side and lower back today, but I'm hoping that's just the follicles continuing to grow.

Joy times FIVE...

2010-01-21T20:57:00.000-08:00

Day #28, January 21, 2010
Ganirelix injection - THE LAST ONE!
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement
**NEW** HcG INJECTION - TRIGGER SHOT - intramuscular @ 12 AM midnight
NO MORE STIMS - Follistim, Menopur, or E2V Suppository

Well, he said it with a smile on his face. The words we were hoping for....."You are ready for retrieval." On the right ovary, I have three follicles measuring 20, 19, and 16 mm. On the left ovary, I have two small follicles measuring 13 and 11. While these two are considered immature, he will still retrieve them and hope they fertilize. He did not want to push me any further in fear of losing the two large follicles. They could either turn into cysts, or I could ovulate Neither of those would be good scenerios. Dr. Saleh said he feels completely confident that this was the absolute best my body could possibly do, considering the fact I have been taking the maximum dosage of stimulating hormone. He said he is very familiar with far worse cases and proven successful. I am delighted. Yes, there could've been more. I've heard of some women having twenty or more eggs retrieved. But, I am pleased and so very thankful for my five. We trigger tonight at midnight with the HcG injection, which is intramuscular. We had to make a trip to Frisco today to buy one more vial of the HcG because Dr. Saleh decided to up the trigger shot dosage to 15000 units instead of the normal 10000. Apparently, the trigger shot also helps to mature the eggs, and he wants to give them one final nudge. This means the eggs could be even larger by Saturday.

Mom and Mike are driving in tomorrow after Mike's bus route in the morning. I'm excited to see them. I've been missing them and home alot today.

So, what's next? Our appointment Saturday is at 9:30. From what I understand, we'll be there for about three hours. I've chosen to undergo the procedure without anesthesia and instead go in with only morphin and Tylenol. I'm a tough cookie, and I'd rather opt out of the anesthesia than be out another $350 for the use of the hospital OR. Once the eggs have been retrieved, it will be Keith's turn. What a trooper he is! We're free to return home after retrieval. We will get a fertilization report, I believe, three days later (which would be Tuesday.) Hopefully, our eggs will be on their way to becoming embryos by this day and continue growing up to day five, which is next Thursday.

We are no where near finished. We have a long way to go. So much could go right, and so much could go wrong. This crazy road we're on is still winding, and we're still hanging on for dear life praying every step of the way. Our prayers now are for the five follicles to continue doing well, then for all of them to fertilize, and then for them to grow grow grow into sweet little embryos to transfer next Thursday.

Concerning how I feel, ehh. Today has been emotionally draining. I feel like a stuffed toad frog. I've cried alot. I cried after my exam. I cried in IKEA earlier today. I cried during AVATAR tonight. And honestly, I almost cried just now because the chicken sammich I just ate from Burger King was overcooked. As Keith said, as long as they are tears of joy, we're good. And today, they were. Keith has been amazing this week. I look and feel completely unattractive. I can't button my blue jeans, so I've been wearing my gray stretchy pants most of week, which I'm going to launder tomorrow for retrieval day. My stomach is bruised and ugly, not to mention fat and bloated. And yet he still calls me beautiful. I guess that means he loves me. We've had alot of fun this week waiting. Every day we spend together brings us one step closer to that bundle of joy we're so anxious to meet.

2010-01-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

Day #26 and Day #27, January 19 and 20, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement
E2V (Estriadiol) suppository in the PM before bedtime
Follistim injection
(375 units in the PM)
Menopur injection
(1 vial in the PM)

I've officially turned into a pin-cushion. These injections are getting old. I hesitate to complaint because I know it is all for a grand cause.

I didn't make it back to the computer last night to post a blog, so today's is two days in one. We had a nice day yesterday exploring Downtown Dallas. We decided to take the DART train downtown so Keith could have a break from driving and could actually see the scenes. It was an experience. For $5, we each could ride as much as we wanted to anywhere the trains would go on any of the trains or busses. We saw all kinds of characters. One woman I sat next to on the train was reading a book called "Fatal Feng Shui."

We visited the Crow Museum of Asian Art. There were some beautiful things there that I could appreciate. My favorite area of the museum was the Oragami area. We learned to make two different kinds of flowers. Neither one we made ended up looking exactly right, but I hung mine proudly on the colorful wall of paper flowers created by past visitors. We took alot of pictures. I will post them later. We ate lunch at a small cafe in the Dallas Museum of Art. The lady behind the counter upsold us just about everything offered there, and we ended up going from splitting an $8.25 deli sammich and chips to $22 of soup, chili, sandwich, drinks, and dessert.

We found our train station and travelled back to Forest Lane station where we had parked. I was completely exhausted from all of the walking, so we returned to the room, and I slept for three hours. We decided to go to Dave and Busters last night for dinner and fun. We had a nice time. The blackened chicken pasta was great, but I was somewhat disappointed about not getting salad or bread with my dinner. I asked the waitress about halfway through my meal if the pasta wasn't supposed to come with bread. She said "it comes with a dinner roll, would you like one?" Well yeah. If it comes with it, why wasn't it on my plate to begin with? She brought out two hot rolls with butter that were simply divine. Too bad I was almost full. Keith got chicken tenders and fries, and we both ended up with leftovers.

Overall, I feel good. After Dave and Busters last night, we rode out to the other side of Dallas to explore. I was pretty tired by the time we made it back to our room and was just plain grumpy and snappy. Realizing I was being grumpy and snappy made me feel guilty and weepy. Argh. Hormones! I slept great though and feel wonderful this morning. Keith is up and ready to go. We will probably head to Grapevine today since we didn't do that yesterday. It turned out to be a beautiful day yesterday with no rain in site until around 11:00 last night. I haven't looked out today, but there was about a 30% chance of isolated thunderstorms in today's forecast.

2010-01-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

Day #25, January 18, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V (Estradiol) suppository in the PM
Follistim injection
(375 units in the PM)
Menopur injection
(1 vial in the PM)

Wow, what a day!!! It has been awhile since 4:00 this morning when this day first started. We made it to Dallas around 10:00 this morning and checked into our room before our appointment. We are happy with where we are staying. It is a small and no frills kind of place, but it's cozy and perfect for us. It has a full size refrigerator, small dinette set, microwave, and two burner electric stovetop. The bed is a little squeeky, but it's not hard as a rock. We took a lovely afternoon siesta on it after lunch today.

Now for the most important part of this post: our appointment. It was at 11:15 this morning. We arrived early to a full waiting room of familiar faces. Most every woman that was there during my last doctor's visit was also there today. We didn't have to wait long. Heather took me back to draw blood, then came back for both of us about 10 minutes later for my exam. Dr. S saw two good sized follicles on the right ovary, measuring 11.5 mm and 13.5 mm. From what I have read tonight, a 19 - 20 mm follicle is considered a mature follicle. Dr S. could not see any measureable follicles on the left ovary, but he said "there are many in the making." My uterine lining is 9, which anything >9 is considered good (according to what I've read tonight.) Of course, I couldn't think of a single question to ask him at the time, so I've been Googling my questions tonight. I still have alot of questions, so I'm planning on calling Titi tomorrow. We met briefly with Heather to get further instructions on meds after the exam. My only question at that time was "is it normal to not be ready for retrieval yet?" She said that no one is ever ready for retrieval on the first day of monitoring, so that made me feel better. She also said quality is more important than quantity, so Dr. S would rather have 5 great eggs rather than 20 so-so eggs. Everything I've read online tonight said slow growing follicles are better than fast growing ones. I just pray I continue progressing.

Dr. S instructed me to keep taking my meds as usual and come back on Thursday for another check. If I'm ready then, I'll take my trigger shot Thursday night and go in for retrieval 36 hours later on Saturday. This is not exactly the schedule either of us was expecting, but when has my life ever turned out as scheduled or expected? Answer: Never. We discussed getting up in the morning and driving home, since we don't have to be back at the doctor until Thursday. We decided to stay. I miss the girls like crazy, but I know Mom's taking excellent care of them. I'd rather stay put for the next few days and try to enjoy our time rather than keep the road hot for the next three days. We have our room for the week anyway.

We bought a camera yesterday. I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow. I am probably going to run short on meds since I've got to continue taking them this week. Heather said there is a local pharmacy in Plano that fills IVF drugs, so it shouldn't be a problem getting some refills. I will be calling her tomorrow to discuss the meds further and ask the following: What if a follicle gets TOO big? I'm concerned about those two on the right side. What does my lining need to be at? What were the results of my bloodwork today?

Keith is already out. He's tired. He tried to sleep on the way up here this morning but wasn't very successful. He took a three hour nap this afternoon that seemed to make him feel alot better. I'm tired too. Going to go finish up my meds for the day and turn in. We are planning on driving to Grapevine tomorrow since it's supposed to rain most of the day.

The Big D Big Week is here.

2010-01-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

Day #24, January 17, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement
E2v (Estriadiol) suppository in the PM before bedtime
Follistim injection
(375 units in the PM)
Menopur injection
(1 vial in the PM)

Our first main week of IVF fun has arrived. In less than ten hours, we'll be on our way to Dallas for an unknown amount of time, preparing for monitoring and egg retrieval. IVF meds are boxed and ready to be iced down. Laundry detergent and groceries are sacked up and ready to go. Both suitcases are packed full. Keith is working tonight and will be home just in time to hit the road at 4:00 in the morning.

Some have asked if I'll be posting updates this week. I'll be packing up my laptop once I finish up the blog for tonight and will post here and Facebook each day. As of now, I have no idea how next week will go. The one thing I DO know for sure is our appointment is at 11:15 tomorrow. Other than that, I have no idea what is to come. But, here is a brief breakdown of the possibilities. One of these scenerios is guaranteed to happen tomorrow, this I know....

1. At our appointment tomorrow, Dr. S could say "you're ready for retrieval in the morning."

2. At our appointment tomorrow, Dr. S could say "looking great, but you're not ready for retrieval. We'll check again tomorrow." (and possibly the next day and the next day and the next day, etc. etc. etc.)

And there is always a possibility dreaded #3 could happen.....

3. At our appointment tomorrow, Dr. S could say "hmmmmmmmm......not seeing anything happening....not good."

It would be great knowing exactly what to expect. But the truth is, we don't. We can only do what we've been doing....pray and hope and hope and pray that I am responding well to the meds, and my body is reacting exactly the way it should.

Ok, enough about the "what-ifs." Here are few of my latest favorite food finds....

I'm not one for canned soups, but I like Campbell's Healthy Selects, particularly the Savory Sausage and Vegetables. I recommend a grilled cheese on the side. This soup doesn't taste the least bit like a can, and the vegetables taste fresh. Josh and Keith even ate a bowl of this soup for lunch last Saturday and liked it. THAT says alot.

I am also not a big fan of applesauce, but I'm always looking for healthy and easy snacks to pack for work. I discovered Mott's Mango Peach Applesauce last week. Oh yum. It's probably the mango peach part of it that tastes so good to me. The best part are the individual servings that fit great in my insulated lunch bag. I could eat two at a time, but I wouldn't recommend that considering the sugar content is way up there at 21 grams per serving.

I love my morning coffee. Murphy Oil coffee seems to be getting worse by the day. Just when I think it can't get worse, it does. It's to the point now where I simply do not believe it's coffee but more like a diluted brown water mixture of some sort. It doesn't even smell good. I would love to be able to bring my own personal coffee pot for my cubicle, but since I can't, I've been bringing my own BIG cup of coffee from home. Making coffee at home is an inconvenience. Cleaning the filter is messy, I tend to forget to clean the pot, and I just about always forget to set the automatic timer the night before (usually because I forget to clean it.) This means I must take time in the mornings to wash the pot and make my coffee. But like the trooper I am, I do it anyway....and this wonderful product makes it well worth the effort: International Delight Coffee Creamer. It comes in the most spectacular flavors, including White Chocolate Mocha, Vanilla Latte, and Caramel Macchiato (my personal favorite.) It's sheer delight in a cup. I've been trying to figure out a way to take my creamer with me to Dallas. I've decided I'll be stopping by a grocery store once we're settled because I don't desire to spend one day without it.

Tomorrow's blog posting will be from our hotel room in Dallas. I'm signing out from Parkers Chapel Road. As Keith said this morning, "we're gonna go make us some babies!"

Thank you all for your unending thoughts and prayers for us. Please keep them coming. We are prepared for whatever the Lord has planned for us. The events of this week will surely set the stage for what is yet to come....

(*)~*(Sticky Happy and Blessed Baby Vibes for us this week(~(*(~)*)

2010-01-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

Day #23, January 16, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
Follistim injection
(375 units in the PM)
Menopur injection
(1 vial in the PM)
E2V (Estriadiol) suppository in the PM before bedtime

I AM TIRED. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY AND HAVE HAD NONE TO SPEAK OF ALL DAY.

I haven't even accomplished anything today to be tired from. I made a quick trip to town this afternoon to Wal-mart, and I ran completely out of steam before getting out of there. As I sit here, I'm wondering how completely disgusting it would be to go to bed without taking a bath. And I'm also wondering how lame it would be if I were to go to bed at 7:00 pm. My belly feels like and looks like it's full of something. I'm without words to describe it. I noticed earlier it's a struggle to bend over. Yay for eggs! Oh please oh please oh please let there be lots of eggs.

Mom came over earlier and brought over a sweet surprise. She fixed us a care package for our trip next week, which included things like a new pair of pajamas for both myself and Keith, crackers, "squeeze cheese"( yum,) candy, crayons, coloring books, a new Sudoku book, magazines for us, and money for a tank of gas. Oh, how I love her. She's the best. She watched tonight as I took my last two injections for the day, the Menopur and Follistim.

I finished just about all laundry today. I'm going to pack tomorrow and finish up my cleaning.

Molly's feeling better, I think. She and Maggie are napping and have been playing alot today.

I'm getting hungry. I cooked a big lunch of macaroni and cheese, pintos, hot water cornbread, and mini chocolate pies. Maybe I'll eat leftovers.

If retrieval ends up happening during the first part of next week, and Keith and I end up making it home, we may try to make a trip to Vicksburg, MS or Tunica, MS, to see Aaron Lewis of Staind. We love his music (several of his songs are posted on our blog page.) He just kicked off his solo tour, and we've always said if he's ever within driving distance from us, we're there. He will be at the Ameristar Casino in Vicksburg on Thursday, January 21 and Friday, January 22, and at the Horseshoe in Tunica on Saturday, January 23. We have a much more important agenda next week, so I won't be devastated if we miss him this time. He'll be in Biloxi in March, so we may just have to take a birthday trip in the spring.

I realize this post is very random. I'm tired.

2010-01-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

Day #22, January 15, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V (Estriadiol) suppository (in the PM before bedtime
Follistim injection
(375 units in the PM)
Menopur injection
(1 vial in the PM)

This list of medication is officially long! Wow, this month has flown by! I can't believe in two days, we'll be on our way to Dallas for monitoring. Our first appointment is at 11:00 Monday morning. Keith works Sunday night, which means he'll make it home from work at 3:30 AM Monday morning. We've decided instead of him going to bed when he gets home, we're hitting the road. I'll be driving while he sleeps. Otherwise, with the way Keith sleeps, we'd never make it to Dallas on time because I wouldn't be able to wake him up when it's time to leave. It'll be nice getting out of town early. Hopefully that way, we can make it to Dallas in time to get checked into our room before our appointment.

As I've said many times before, we are looking forward to next week. The time together will be good for us. We've been studying up on economical things to do while we're there that won't break our bank. Our room has a full kitchen, so we'll be packing groceries, which is something completely out of norm for me. Going out of town to cook? And eat cereal for breakfast? I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to like that, but I'll live. Keith asked me tonight if I'd be interested in doing some geocaching while we're there. And of course I said YES. It's been so long since we've been able to go, so I'm planning on having my geocaching bag stocked and ready tomorrow to take with us next week.

One particular place we're looking forward to visiting while we're in Dallas is Dave and Busters. Oh, how I love that place. For someone like me who could stand in front of a big clear plastic box of 20 cent stuffed animals and a hook, while feeding money into it for hours, Dave and Busters is a lovely place to be. It's like a Chucky Cheese for grown-ups. Video games, hook machines, quarter machines, ski ball......Ahhhhhh!!! Pure and unadulterated bliss!!! I can thank Kristal from work for telling me about that place. Bless her heart, she still hasn't made it there yet!

Today turned into a very interesting day. After yesterday, anything would've been an improvement. Not that yesterday was that bad, but I guess I could say I was burdened. Work ended stressfully. I ate way too much. I was unusually weepy and sleepy and just wanted to be home in my pajamas most of the day. A co-worker and I attended a meeting this morning that ended very well and made us both feel like the work we do everyday actually has meaning. Some days, I wonder. But today, it mattered. We both knew it, and it felt great. It's amazing how a so-so blah day like yesterday could turn itself into the next, and end up showing a completely different face. I left work today at 1:30 to get my hair done, then went back tonight from 7:00 til 9:30. I'm doing my best to stay on top of work since I'll be out indefinitely next week. I'm tired and about to find me a "Play Now" movie on Netflix to watch and hopefully fall asleep to.

2010-01-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Day #21, January 14, 2010

Ganirelix injection

(125 mcg half dose in the AM)

Dexamethasone tablet

(1 tablet in the AM)

Folic acid supplement

Prenatal vitamin

E2V (Estradiol) suppository
Follistim injection

(375 units (change in dose) in the PM)

*New* Menopur injection

(mix 1 cc sodium chloride w/Menopur powder/inject all of solution subQ)

I skipped a day of posting. Gotta hate it when that happens. The good news is that I've not skipped days that often. After working a full day yesterday, going out to eat last night, and choir practice, I was way too tired by the time all of that was over to care about the blog. I missed it. It's amazing how many people have told me they're keeping up with us by reading it daily. We are so thankful for all of our caring friends and family.

I told Keith tonight he should do the posting for today. He declined because as he said, if he posted, it would go something like this: Amy took her shots today. They hurt. They're over for today. Goodbye.

It's been another very, very long day. I worked until 6:45 tonight, and Keith wanted to go out for dinner again tonight after I got home.

The girls both had spa days yesterday. Baths and nails. They look and smell great. They also went to the vet for their annual check and shots. Molly has tonsilitis again. She has always had an issue with swollen tonsils, especially in the winter months. Dr. Ralston prescribed her two weeks of antibiotics to get the swelling down, then we are to call back to make an appointment to have her tonsils taken out. She'll have to be asleep for the surgery, but he assured us it is a minor surgery that she should recover from quickly. Other than that, they are perfectly healthy, weighing in at 11.5 lbs (Maggie) and 8.5 lbs (Molly.)

We've decided to leave them home next week. Mom said she would take excellent care of them and even spend the night over here while we're away. I'm glad because I hate the thought of them being by themselves all night every night for so long. Mom and Mike decided they are coming to down to Dallas the day of egg retrieval. I am thrilled about that! Speaking of Dallas, our trip isn't far off now! I am so excited. My stomach has felt bloated today to the point of wishing I didn't have to wear pants. Being that I'm at work though, I don't have much of a choice. I wore a dress yesterday and just about froze. This is what we're hoping my ovaries are starting to look like. We are praying for lots of follicles because follicles house the eggs....

The new injection went well tonight. The most complicated injection by far, there were two different vials of medication to mix. I was glad when it was over. My stomach is starting to show signs of bruising in just about every spot there is to stick, and each injection gets alittle more painful by the day.

The mother hen is turning in for the night.

2010-01-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

Day #19, January 12, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V (Estriadiol) Suppository (before bedtime)
Follistim injection
(750 units in the PM between 4 -9 pm)

My eggs are crankin'! Oh my, or we could say they're cookin'. Or bakin'. Or boilin'. Even poaching! Whatever they're supposed to be doing, I pray they're doing it! Still feeling great! No odd or weird symptoms to report today.

I'm not having any luck getting the scale to go down. I'm not eating alot, but I'm not eating right, and I know this. I packed a lunchbox of healthy snacks this morning before leaving home.....graham crackers w/peanut butter, pineapple chunks, and toast w/a grilled link sausage for breakfast (which no, isn't healthy, but it's better than McDonalds.) With the exception of one graham cracker, my lunchbox was empty by 11:00 this morning. As I write this, my stomach is roaring. I think I have stuff to make spaghetti....and I think I have just enough time to cook before American Idol comes on.

Keith and I are both getting so excited about next week. I've been reading some articles online about ovary hyperstimulation. I e-mailed Titi this morning and asked her if there are any symptoms I should be watching for this week since I started the Follistim. She assured me I had nothing to worry about and that all monitoring would start next week.

We still haven't decided if we are or are not bringing the girls along with us. I found some neat seatbelt harnesses at Eppinette's tonight and bought two to try out. I worry they will be unhappy the whole way because they probably won't be able to see outside. I would rather they be unhappy and safe rather than all over the car. I wish there was such of a thing as a booster seat for dogs. Maybe there is?????

I never get tired of watching Seinfeld episodes. There will never be another George and Jerry.

George: "Jerry, did you wash this pear? It LOOKS like it hasn't been washed."
Jerry: "So, wash it."

2010-01-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

Day #18, January 11, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid
E2V (Estradiol) suppository (before bedtime)
**New** Follistim injection (750 units in the PM between 4 - 9 PM)

I have a pounding headache. At first I thought it was because my pony tail was too tight, but I don't believe that's the case anymore. I took the new injection at around 6:30 this evening. Because the Follistim Pen will only inject 450 units at one time, I had to stick myself twice. And tonight, it hurt. After ten minutes or so, the injection site was still stinging and achy.

Hoarders and Intervention is on tonight. We're hanging out on the couch tonight with the girls. We just had a lovely snack of warm chocolate chip cookies and milk.

Did I mention I have a headache?

2010-01-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

Day #17, January 10, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic Acid Supplement
**New** E2V Pre-egg retrieval suppository in the PM before bed (possible side effects include dizziness, lightheadedness, upset stomach, bloating, nausea, and weight changes.)

I have nothing to report today other than it has been another good day. These hormones are lovely. I wake up in a good mood and go to bed in a good mood. If it wasn't for the dull headache I get right after the shot in the morning, and again around 2:00 every afternoon, I would dare say they are making me a better woman. Here's to estrogen. We shall see how I feel later this week once my ovaries start going haywire.

Tonight, I investigated the Follistim pen and cartridges to see if I understood everything before my first injection tomorrow night. I must admit I am nervous about it. The calendar states I am to inject 750 units, but the pen will only inject a maximum of 450 units at one time. So this means two sticks for this one injection. Keith said not to worry. We will handle it like the troopers we are. For now, we're going to call it a day and turn in early. It's an early day for him tomorrow....2:30 AM, and I have a big day at work ahead of me tomorrow too.

Keith made a funny over dinner earlier. I was telling him about my Facebook status messages lately and about including Baby Vibes 2010 on alot of them. I told him that my gut feeling about this whole thing is, if it works, I feel it's going to be multiples. He said "We'll have twins in twenty ten." That made me chuckle. I don't know why.

Goodnight, friends. Keep sending the sticky vibes, baby dust, and prayers our way.

a good day

2010-01-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Day #16, January 9, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal Vitamin

Here we are on Day #16 of our IVF cycle. I can't believe that we're over the half way mark. The days are flying by! One more week and we'll be gearing up for our week in The Big D. It took me three tries to take my shot this morning. I certainly hope the pharmacy sent extras because I botched two pre-filled syringes trying to get the stupid air bubble out.

I've been in the best mood today. I slept til 8:30 and was able to have about an hour of quiet time before the boys woke up. I cooked once they were up, and we talked over breakfast about what we wanted to do with our day. Keith decided he would work on the kitchen backsplash. I wanted to work outside, but it was just too dang cold. Keith and Josh got dressed and hit the road to Home Depot for a few last minute things Keith needed for the backsplash. Instead of going with them, I cleaned house. I even vaccuumed underneath the couch cushions. By the time they made it back, the house was spotless, and laundry was well under way. Since Keith was devoting his time to a house project, I decided to caulk the bathroom walls, baseboards, and ceiling. I worked on it for about two hours and didn't make a whole lot of progress. Keith ended up needing the caulking gun for the glue, so my project came to a hault.

Mom called about 6:30 tonight saying that her neighbor called about a pipe freezing under her house. The pipe burst, and water was flowing. She and her two daughters were home alone. Keith stopped his work and immediately went next door to turn off the water and try to fix the pipe. Once he realized he didn't have what he needed to complete the job, he made his second trip to Home Depot today, came back and made the repairs. As he said, we may need some extra help one of these days. It's always good to make friends with your neighbors. And I'm blessed and thankful to be married to a kind-hearted man. While he was away, I decided to fire up the charcoal grill, which was quite interesting, since I've never lit a charcoal grill. The fact that it was dark and 20 degrees outside only added to the drama. I grilled hamburgers, hot dogs, sausages, and baked some potatoes. To his pleasant surprise, he had a hot meal waiting for him after his good deed was done.

Now, we're watching a movie on TNT. Keith finally thawed out after a hot shower. The one tiny section of installed backsplash looks exceptionally wonderful. It's been a good day.

What kind of sense does that make?

2010-01-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

Day #15, January 8, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin
**Delestrogen intramuscular injection** 0.2 mcg in the PM between 4pm - 9pm

We just got home from eating pizza, and my stomach just growled. What kind of sense does that make?

Keith did a great job with the IM injection tonight. No problems whatsoever.

Keith and I enjoyed the afternoon together. Under-cabinet lighting has been our current house project, and we've run into a problem at finding the correct sizes. Over the last few weeks, we've shopped for them at Home Depot, Walmart, and Amazon. We decided to drive down to Lowe's in Ruston this afternoon to see what they offered. Miraculously, they had some that would've worked. But after calculating how much they were going to cost, Keith decided to leave them there. What kind of sense does that make?

We bought two birdhouses, birdseed, and a pendant light to over the bar in my kitchen instead. It just occurred to me about five minutes ago that I'm not fond of the color I chose and will probably return it. I absolutely hate it when I have moments like that. I'm standing there looking at all of the different colors, only after the red one is what caught my attention in the first place. So, after deliberating over the fifty or so different colors, I end up choosing a brownish yellow one. What??? My walls are a pale yellow. My living room furniture is a yellow-ish hue. My accents are red. I wanted the red one!!! Why did I leave the store with the yellow one? And again I ask, what kind of sense does that make??? I'm completely disgusted with myself.

2010-01-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

Day #14, January 7, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin

Well, we finally did it. The Martindills are officially on a budget. In an effort to reduce stress in my life, I've turned the checkbook and bills over to Keith. It's been on our hearts for some time now to do our best to become a debt-free household. Keith had some time this week and broke the numbers out, and if all goes as planned (and those are very important words,) with the exception of our mortgage and my car, we will be debt free by December 2010. We are extremely excited about it, and we are prepared for some sacrifices along the way, but if we keep focused we will reach our goal, and the end result will be freeing.

Month-end close is officially over for December. We were all hoping for a snow day today, but upon waking to nothing on the ground except wet, our hopes quickly vanquished. It was another long day for me. I experienced what I believe was a hot flash this afternoon. I'm usually cold while at work, but this afternoon around 4:00, I got hot.....and I mean, "I'm about to come out of this turtleneck" hot. It quickly came and went, and I was back to normal in no time.

Keith's at work tonight, and I miss him.

Long Day

2010-01-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

Day #13, January 6, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal vitamin

This morning started out at 5 AM with a pounding headache. My head felt as if I'd been hit by a truck sometime during the night. I changed my alarm to 7 AM and went directly back to bed, which put my day about two hours behind. With it being month-end close time at work, the day was very busy, and I worked until 6:30 tonight. After picking up and delivering supper to Keith at work, then choir practice, I finally made it home at 9:00 PM. Maggie apparently wasn't happy about being left home alone today. I came home to a living room floor full of white fuzzy stuffing....poor innocent blue stuffed unicorn never had a chance.

Other than a constant and dull headache, I feel quite good. My mood is liltingly lovely. I did notice today at work that my self-edit button appears to be unresponsive, and my inner monologue is vocalized before I'm fully aware of the words coming out of my mouth. I'm going to have to make a concious effort to work on that tomorrow. I've had no major meltdowns to speak of....with the exception of the small crying fit I pitched after the cupcake mess last Sunday. I've received some encouraging and caring e-mails lately from friends that have been touching and have brought a tear or two. I'm eager to see how I feel next week once the stimulating hormones begin.

I'm hoping and praying for a snow day tomorrow. I could make some good use of some couch time in my flannel pajamas. It is Arctic-cold outside!!!

He's eating cake.

2010-01-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

Day #12, January 5, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
**NEW** Delestrogen IM injection
(0.2 mcg in the PM between 4pm - 9pm - intramuscular injection)

As Keith sits beside me enjoying his collapsed confection of cupcake, I'm eagerly awaiting my pajamas and pillow. I'm so tired! 5:00 AM arrived too early this morning after getting home at 10:30 last night from Dallas. Yesterday was a great day. We arrived for our appointment right on time after leaving at 4:30 yesterday morning. I decided to be extra sweet and offer to drive part of the way. I ended up driving all the way to Greenville. I actually enjoyed the drive. We ran into about a twenty minute delay outside of Texarkana around 6:30 when sleet started falling and freezing to the road. About four cars slid off a bridge and had traffic backed up. I never slid and was thankful for that.

There were three other ladies at the clinic yesterday, and I found out while I was there that we are all cycling this month. SHER keeps all of us on the same calendar, so our appointments are all around the same time. Our appointment was at 10:45, and at 11:30, we were still waiting for an exam room. They were nice enough to let us sit in the holding and education area where I enjoyed browsing the study material and free stuff. I found a neat cycle calendar, complete with stickers to mark meds, retrieval dates, etc. So neat. I loaded up my red carry-all with as much stuff as it could carry. The nurse drew my blood for an estrogen check.

Dr. Saleh was looking handsome in his pressed blue plaid Ralph Lauren finest. He is a man of few words, but he is so kind and caring. He pointed out my ovaries on the ultrasound machine and said they looked exactly as they should during this stage....resting and quiet....and there were no cysts. The entire exam lasted about five minutes. He said everything looked great, and he'd see us back on Cycle Day 9, January 18, at which time I'll have another ultrasound in hopes of seeing lots of eggs! We wrapped up the appointment after a brief meeting with our nurse, Titi. We had to sign all of consent forms yesterday for the ovarian stimulation, retrieval, transfer, egg freezing, and CGH testing. We decided to decline the CGH testing for several reasons. First of all, our insurance does not cover the testing. Second, Dr. Saleh didn't recommend it for us because of my possible poor egg quality. In short, CGH (comparitive genomic hybridization) testing is genetic and chromosome testing done on embryos to rate the embryos quality in an effort to transfer the absolute best embryos in hopes of a pregnancy. These tests check for chromosomal defects and other birth defects and dramatically reduce the incidents of chromosomal miscarriages. Being that the best embryos are chosen for transfer, this means fewer embryos are transferred, which results in fewer multiple births. The SHER Institute is so confident in this testing that if a patient qualifies for the program, they offer an IVF Refund Plan where they offer a complete refund of all fees involved if the IVF does not result in a live birth. We also had to sign a form giving the clinic permission to discard our embryos if I die, Keith dies, or we both die with embryos frozen at the clinic, or if more than a year goes by without them hearing from us or paying storage fees.

We left the clinic around noon yesterday and immediately found lunch. Keith wanted breakfast, so we hit the Cracker Barrel. I was utterly disgusted when I was brought chicken tenders instead of the chicken tenderloin I thought I was ordering with mashed potatoes, turnip greens, and cornbread. I'm not sure if I ordered wrong or it that's what they are calling chicken tenders now....chicken tenderloin. Right. There was not a thing "tenderloin" about those four whimpy pieces of chicken on my plate. Our waitress was rude. Keith dropped his fork on the floor before our food arrived. She rolled her eyes when he asked for another one. Needless to say, she didn't get a tip. I did find an excellent bargain in the gift shop though....a big brown floppy straw hat with stones around the brim. I have a straw hat already that I wear when doing yardwork, but it doesn't fit on my big head that well, and it tends to blow away with the slightest wind gust. This one seems to fit better, and it came home with me for the incredible price of $5. After a 45 minutes lightning quick stop at Sam Moon, we hit the road. I love Dallas. The traffic is crazy, and the city is hugely overwhelming. But, there is this wonderful aura there that captures my interest that I can't explain. All of the people and the shopping and the restaurants....I love it. Maybe it's because my heart and soul is wrapped up there right now.... my main agenda..... my eye is on the prize.

Tonight was my first intramuscular injection, the Delestrogen. We were alittle bit nervous about this one, being that it is given in my hip muscle, but Keith did an excellent job. Everything I've read recently talked about how incredibly painful the intramuscular injections are, so I was worked up and prepared for the worst. No problem for me though...I didn't even flinch.

I just had the greatest orange popsicle ever put on a stick.

Cupcake Crisis

2010-01-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

I just thought I'd capture this moment which I solely blame on the hormones. I am having the urge to toss this tray of twelve cupcakes as hard as I can towards the ceiling. Needless to say, there is no cupcake cake. It collapsed, and Keith has been enjoying the pitiful remnants w/Cookies and Cream Blue Bell ice cream.

So, plan B was lemon cupcakes. And they look hideous!!!

Top of my morning

2010-01-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

Day #10, January 3, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic Acid Supplement

(CYC D2)

I'm in the process of baking a giant cupcake cake to take to Dallas tomorrow to the staff at SHER. I hesitated taking anything at first, imagining what I would do if I worked in a doctors office, and a patient brought food to me expecting me to eat it. But, after all, it's the thought the counts. Who cares if they toss them in the garbage when I leave? After baking about 80,000 Christmas cookies last month, I packed them up a container full and was surprised that all the cookies were gone by the time I left my appointment. My sweet and thoughtful step-sister gave me a much desired giant cupcake pan for Christmas, and I've been dying to try it out. Mom got one for Christmas too, and she baked one yesterday that turned out adorable. We will see how mine turns out. I'm alittle worried at the moment. It's been in the oven for over 30 minutes, and it's still jiggly and raw. It also has slightly run over the side, so the house is smelling like burning cake. I thought sure I left enough room for rise, but I guess not. Depending on how it turns out, I may or may not post a picture.

I'm so sleepy this afternoon. Mom cooked lunch today, and I think I'm more sleepy now than I was before lunch. Keith mentioned driving down to Lowe's in Ruston when he gets off to look for under-cabinet lighting for our kitchen, but I'm feeling like I'll pass. A nap sounds so much better.

We'll be leaving for Dallas in the morning around 4:30 AM. As Keith said, he'll get to sleep in. I'll be watching a selection of new movies on the way... The Devil Wears Prada and The Holiday. I rented Julie and Julia and The Ugly Truth yesterday, but they are both due back tomorrow.

2010-01-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

Day#9, January 2, 2010
Ganirelix injection
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic acid supplement

(CYC Start)

Wow, today's the ninth day already! So far, so good. The bubble in the Ganirelix makes me nervous. I lost some of the medication this morning when expelling the bubble, not much....but still. Enough for me to think if the worst happens and this cycle doesn't work, it's all because I didn't take enough. It's a very thick liquid, and it doesn't thin out even when I allow it to come to room temp.

I started counting my calories today on My Fitness Pal. I used this website back when I lost all my weight on Weight Watchers. I love the site. The best part is it's free. I also Turbo Jammed tonight for 20 minutes. My face looked like a beet when I was done, but I felt accomplished.

Thanks to one of my dearest friends e-mailing and asking about our six night Dallas stay that is coming up soon, I thought I'd summarize the IVF process. I forget that not everyone has lived and memorized the process like I have.

Beginning on Dec 25, I began taking suppression hormones (Lupron and Ganirelix) to "trick" my body into not ovulating. These hormones stop signals from the brain which normally trigger ovulation. My ovaries are resting....on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean....just kidding. But seriously, they're snoozing.

Monday, Jan 4.....10:45 appointment @ SIRM (SHER Institute for Reproductive Medicine) in Dallas - Ultrasound and E2 check. Both tests are to check the ovaries to make sure there is no partying going on.

Tuesday, Jan 5 and Friday, Jan 8....E2V Intra-muscular injections (preparing for ovary stimulation.) I'm not 100% sure what these two injections are for. All I know is Keith will have to help with these because the needles are huge, and the shot goes in my hip. There's a trick to making sure the needle actually gets in the muscle. He took notes.

Monday, January 11 thru Sunday, January 17...the fun begins! I begin the Follistim and E2V suppositories. The ovaries should start doing what they were created to do.....except in over-drive. Normally a woman's body makes one egg per month. We're going to hope for at least twenty or as many as God gives us.

Thursday, January 14 - Sunday, January 17 ... add the Menopur injection (another follicle/egg stimulation hormone.)

Monday, January 18 thru Sunday, January 24 - Retrieval week - we'll be in Dallas this week preparing for egg retrieval. I'll have an appointment each morning or every other morning for an "egg" update. Once the clinic says I'm ready for retrieval, there will be a "trigger" injection which initiates ovulation. The next morning, the eggs will be retrieved thru a catheter-type instrument while I'm mildly sedated. Hopefully, we'll have lots of eggs.

Five days after retrieval.....we should know how many eggs fertilized and how many made it to blast stage. Only if a fertilized egg makes it to this stage can an embryo be transferred to the uterus. Our hope and prayer is for at least three embryos to transfer. My numbers suggest I am pre-menopausal, which means my egg quality and quantity is not good. I am on the most aggressive IVF protocol SIRM offers in hopes of getting a large number of eggs, a large number of fertilized eggs, and a large number of good quality embryos to choose for transfer. If we are fortunate and blessed enough to have more than three embryos fertilize and make it to blast, they will be frozen for the future. Wow....amazing.....I still can't believe we're doing this.

Ten days after transfer (God willing we make it to that point,) we'll return to Dallas for our first pregnancy test (Beta#1.) Two days later, we'll return for Beta#2 and hope for our first numbers from Beta #1 to have doubled, tripled, or more. If it does, there are no words that I can come up with now to express just how happy I will be. But, if it doesn't, I'll surely be sad....more like devastated. And at any point during this month....if my ovaries don't respond to the medication, if we have no fertilization, if no embryos make it to blast to transfer......it could all be over. But it won't be the end. I know I'll never be completely prepared the outcome, whatever it will be. That's the hardest part of this whole process....the "not knowing." So...I will continue to cling to what I do know........

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper to you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

The unending injections, the protocol, the calendar, SIRM, my wonderful doctor and nurse....the whole process and each delicate stage of it is in His hands. God is in control. Our lives and our future baby's life in His hands, and we leave it there. Thanks to all for the prayers, kind words, and thoughts for us during this exciting, overwhelming, and stressful time in our lives. Keith and I are truly humbled by all of the e-mails and encouragement and just the overwhelming interest. Please keep the prayers going up for us everyday as we strive to stay peaceful and hopeful.

~HAPPY TWENTY TEN!~

2010-01-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

Day #7, December 31, 2009
Lupron Injection (LAST DAY!)
(5 units in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic Acid Supplement

Day #8, January 1, 2010
*NEW* Ganirelix Injection (possible side effects: skin rash, itching, breathing problems, nausea, pelvic pain, headache, hot flash, bloating)
(125 mcg half dose in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic Acid Supplement

I failed to post yesterday, so it's two days in one today! No real news about yesterday. I must say that last night at Applebees was the first time in a week I haven't cleaned my plate and could actually say "i'm full." I hope maybe I'm finally getting adjusted to the steroid.

Today is New Years Day. I began the Ganirelix Injection this morning. The medication comes in a pre-filled syringe. After searching thru about ten bags of needles, I finally figured out which needle to use. I discovered that each syringe is filled to 0.6 ml instead of 0.5, and each one comes complete with a huge air bubble. Lovely, should I inject the air or do I expel the air? I called the on-call number for my clinic, and Heather called me back immediately and said it really didn't matter since the injection is given subQ (in my tummy) but to go ahead and push the syringe up until the air bubble goes away. So all is well. I'm going to go thru the rest of these drugs this afternoon and pair them up with my instructions and my needles so I won't have to deal with this every time I start a new medication. It's quite frustrating standing in the kitchen w/my hair all over my head in my pajamas early in the morning trying to figure this kind of stuff out, all while thinking of what the monumental effects could be if I screwed something up.

Only two more days until Dallas. We're thinking of going down the day before and spending the night, partly so we won't have to get up so early on Monday to make it to our 10:45 appointment, and partly because I'd like to do alittle shopping. Sam Moon!!! We officially have two hotel reservations made....at the Clarion and at Studio 6. We're going on Monday to tour both and see which one we like the best. The Clarion is $440/6 nights. The Studio 6 is $220/week and has a full kitchen. I'm not feeling too cozy about why the rate is so cheap at Studio 6, but I guess I'll see Monday. K is all about the cheaper part. I just want a comfortable and clean bed, and $220 a week doesn't sound like we'll get either. We saw the Studio 6 from the interstate on our last trip, and it looked newly renovated and relatively decent, but I just don't know.

2009-12-30T19:36:00.001-08:00

Day#6, December 30, 2009
Lupron injection
(5 units in the AM) -CHANGE IN DOSE
Dexamethasone tablet (steroid)
(1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal vitamin
Folic Acid supplement
**dis-continue Royal Jelly and BCP **

Today started off nerve racked. At 6:30 this morning after I completed my daily "StickFest," I realized I was looking at Tuesday instead of Wednesday. According to the calendar, I was to decrease my Lupron injection to 5 units today, which I was more than well aware of this morning, as I was more than well aware of it this time last night too. I guess I must've slept way too good last night and forgot what day to look at. Anyway, after a moment of panic, I calmed myself down and e-mailed my nurse at the clinic. Thankfully, she responded quickly and assured me I was not a lost cause and to just make sure I only do 5 units tomorrow. I've now marked thru each completed day on that calendar so I hopefully don't get confused anymore. I also asked my nurse, Titi (which is pronounced "Tee Tee!!!") about the Royal Jelly supplement I've been taking and whether or not to continue taking it. She said there is no proof that it increases egg quality. So, in an effort to stay completely on protocol, I'm not going to take it anymore. She also approved a celebratory beverage to ring in the new year if I so choose. Goodbye 2009, hello 2010! I've decided next year, I'm going to eliminate the word "thousand" when saying the year. Instead of saying, for instance, "Friday is January first, two thousand ten"; I will instead say "Friday is January first, TWENTY ten." Fewer syllables, and it sounds like a Sci-Fi movie.

Still no major side effects happening. Just hungry and unsatisfied with everything I eat. We went to eat at Papa Poblanos tonight. I usually barely touch the beans and rice. Tonight was another story. Once I finally put down my fork, K said "I think you've missed one bite of beans." I replied. Not with words, but by scooping up the last bite w/a chip. MMMM, it was good!

2009-12-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

Day #5 December 29, 2009

Lupron injection

(10 units in the AM)

Dexamethasone tablet

(1 tablet in the AM)

BCP and prenatal vitamin

Royal Jelly supplement

Folic Acid supplement

(LBD all day)

Day five is wrapping up. I'm tired tonight. I've not been able to go to sleep the last two nights until after midnight. My alarm goes off at 5:00 am, so I'm not getting enough sleep. I took 1/2 a Tylenol PM last night that helped, but it was after midnight when I took it. It must be the steroid pill keeping me awake.....and hungry. Tonight is the last night I will take the BCP pill.

I'm looking forward to my next appointment Monday, January 4. Hopefully my ovaries are "resting" as they should be. I love watching people's faces when I tell them my ovaries are resting. It's very similar to the look I get when I tell them I have a beautiful uterus.

I checked flights today from Little Rock to Dallas, just for the heck of it, and of course, it's much more expensive to fly. I'd love to save K from having to drive so much, but unfortunately, it looks like he's stuck behind the wheel. El Dorado's airline only flies to Memphis. Useless. We may go down Sunday night, since my appointment is so early in the morning (10:45.) K works off days that day, so he should be ok to drive that evening.

I called hotels tonight while waiting on J....Hyatt $129/night-no med rate offered, Holiday Inn Express $79/night, La Quinta $59/night, Clarion $65/night. I'm leaning towards the Clarion, however they don't allow pets. Well, they do, but it's a $25 non-refundable charge per dog. S will probably stay with the girls while we're away, but it would be nice to have the option of bringing them along. The Clarion does offer a shuttle service that runs from 7 AM til 10 PM everyday, and they are located only five minutes away from the clinic.

J's playing Guitar Hero. The girls are snug as bugs in their sweaters. I'm so thankful for my gown and hot shower tonight!!! K did some work around the house today that I'm oh so proud of. He hung one of the pendant lights over the bar, and it's lovely. He's got alittle pep in his step lately that I'm happy to see.

It just started raining. That's my cue to go to bed. Goodnight.

2009-12-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

2009-12-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

Day #4, December 28, 2009
Lupron injection
(10 units in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet
(1 tablet in the AM)
BCP and prenatal vitamin in the PM
Royal Jelly supplement
Folic Acid supplement

(LBD-AM)

I can't believe I've been taking meds now for four days. I had a headache today from about 2:00 on, so I took a nap when I came home from work at 4:30 this afternoon. I felt much better after I slept two hours. Amanda came over, and we had a great visit while watching Intervention and Hoarders. She's in from Maumelle for the day, and it was great to see her. She's a sweet friend, and I enjoy our time together. I sent her on her way tonight w/her black heels I borrowed before Christmas and a jar of the pear preserves I made this summer. I hope she enjoys them.

I received an e-mail from Tammy at SIRM-Dallas today about our retrieval and transfer cost. We were pleasantly surprised that our cost for both is going to be less than $500. The Lord just keeps blessing us, and it is an amazing thing. I made a list of four or so hotels in the Medical Plaza area to call about rates. I'll probably do that tomorrow.

I started a new pack of BCP's today, skipping the inactive pill week as instructed. I've vaguely noticed getting very sleepy in the afternoons. The headache today, which was one of those dull and achy headaches, was the only side effect I've experienced to speak of. The Dexamethasone is not making it easy to watch what I eat. My appetite is raging.

2009-12-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

Day#3, December 27, 2009
Lupron injection
(10 units in the AM)
Dexamethasone
(1 tab in the AM)
BCP and prenatal vitamin in the PM

K is home resting on the sofa. I've been catching up with laundry. We went to church this morning. Feeling ok, rested well last night. I'm sleepy....thinking about a nap. Hopefully, that means my ovaries are resting!!! ha.

Lupron injection was fine this morning. I had some trouble getting the needle in yesterday....took me three times. Guess I'm thick-skinned. No trouble today though except for an air bubble. Maybe there's a trick to avoiding those that I haven't figured out yet. Feeling fortunate I haven't experienced any unusual side effects. No hot flashes or irritability. Well, no more than normal. :) Tomorrow starts a new week...same protocol until around Thursday, then I'll discontinue the Lupron and start another med. Thank God for the color coded IVF calendar!!! I bought another 30 day supply of Royal Jelly I'm going to start taking again tonight. I'm shopping around for a better price on the Fertility Blend. It was $39.99 at GNC. I'm pretty sure I can find it cheaper online.

Tomorrow I'm going to start doing my T.Jam workout in the AM before work. I still need to get about 12 pounds off before January 18 (retrieval week) to avoid hospitalization during retrieval. It was only 8 pounds until our trip to Branson and Christmas....but now it's 12. Oh well. Naptime.

2009-12-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

Day #2, December 26, 2009
Lupron injection (10 units in the AM)
Dexamethasone tablet (one tablet in the AM)
BCP and pre-natal vitamin in the PM

Whew, I think I'll sleep good tonight! Our last Christmas gathering was this morning at Mom's w/the Claypoole's. It was great to see everyone! Unfortunately, K worked and missed it. I'm glad I get him all to myself tomorrow. We're planning on going on a geocaching date after church. I'm sooo very excited! K & I made it over to C&D's house tonight for steaks. It was nice to spend some time w/people our own age. The fire was nice, and so was the company!

I took another nap today. No insomnia for me during the day....just hope I can actually STAY ASLEEP tonight! No weird side effects today....thankfully.

I don't like the Slap Chop guy. My life's not boring and neither is my tuna salad. Where did that man come from???

2009-12-26T01:11:00.000-08:00

As I write this on the Saturday morning after Christmas Day, I'm wondering if the next month of mornings and nights will be spent like this one. Awake.

We officially started our first cycle of IVF yesterday. Being that we have many friends and family who are concerned and interested about our little adventure, I thought now would be a great time to start a family blog. This blog will not only be a way to keep those who care informed, but it will also serve as way for us to record each step if we ever care to look back.

Day#1, December 25, 2009
Lupron injection
(10 units in the AM, possible side effects include menopausal symptoms, headaches, moodiness, hot flashes)
Dexamethasone
(1 tablet in the AM, possible side effects include insomnia.)
BCP and prenatal vitamin in the PM

We started the day off great at Mom's house with Christmas breakfast. Mike cooked pancakes, bacon, and pigs-in-a-blanket. Yum. The girls enjoyed those very much! We were fortunate to have Josh with us for Christmas this year.

I felt generally good all day....sluggish and weird after noon. Not sure if that was because of the pancakes or the Lupron. Either way, I napped. Keith got called in last night to work the day shift today, so we went to bed early last night @ 8:00. I've been up since 1:00 AM. Keith just left. It's 3:20 AM.

The Mighty Martindills

17 Weeks

Water is the answer!

9 Weeks

Eww! Blehhk! I don't feel so good....

6 Weeks!

The Ride is Slowing Down...and I'm Jumping Off!

Five Days After

Things People Say

Transfer scheduled

What's New With Us

An Absentee Blogger!

Embryo Donation

New Year, New Me.

Annoying

The Beehive

Distractions

A New Look

Back to School and Reality

I Don't Know.

A Piece of Peace: My Routine Saturday Post

Cracking the Code

Motherhood and lack thereof

Amy the Hermit

Life and such....

Thanks and No Thanks

I Love Lemonade.

The view from my shopping cart

Business Trip

Enlightened

They are EVERYWHERE.

Tomorrow

Hello, Blog World...how I've missed you.

Our girls

P.U.P.O.

The Happy Couple

Joy times FIVE...

The Big D Big Week is here.

a good day

What kind of sense does that make?

Long Day

He's eating cake.

Cupcake Crisis

Top of my morning

*~*HAPPY TWENTY TEN!*~*

~HAPPY TWENTY TEN!~